random remarks

Today is husband’s birthday, he’ll be 39. I hope he can enjoy the day. He’s at school now and has his last exam tonight. He has one A so far, no other grades are back yet.

I’m going for my first massage today. It was a gift from a RESOLVE member turned friend. She is a LMT, but I’m nervous, although I’m not sure why.

As Christmas gets closer I find myself wanting to do nothing festive. It’s taking me ten times longer than usual to do the little things I have left to get done. I just finished shopping yesterday! We got a small check for some brailling he did, and we may buy for each other, which would entail more shopping.

I finally frosted the cut out cookies yesterday. I finished the accordion books I’m making for my extended family, now all I have to do is add the embellishments.

I have a feeling my sister will be getting engaged tonight. Her boyfriend asked my dad last week if he had permission to marry her. He wants to do it before Christmas eve, and tonight they’re going to some holiday light show outside. I’m excited for her.

The SS agency is still bunk. After finding out we have to wait for the disability, we then found out that his SSI for the blind was being stopped. Apparently they calculate regular income and unemployment differently. So now, we aren’t getting any help from them. That amount was really helping us to get by. We have enough for rent and utilities, etc. However, that small check took care of groceries and gas for the car. I still haven’t figured out what we’re going to do. I don’t believe we can fight any of this either.

I hope you can all enjoy your holidays! Bah Humbug!

I’m not the kind of person who does nothing

I always feel the need to fix things, help the situation. So when circumstances leave you in these odd periods of stagnancy, it’s easy to feel defeated and disheartened. Especially regarding the whole infertility thing. So many of my compadres both here and elsewhere are cycling now. Not that it was pure enjoyment but I long to be taking shots and counting days. I miss daily appointments and blood draws because at least I felt proactive.

As bad as Christmas 2004 was, there was that shred of hope still alive inside me. The one that prayed and even dared to dream that by this Christmas things would be different. That by Christmas 2005 we could be celebrating a holiday in an extraordinary way.

It’s a time of year encompassing family, infants, birth, mothers and hope. I cannot seem to get any of those to touch me as they have in the past. My faith has crumbled and the solace I once found in midnight mass has been replaced by an hour of torture. When they carry the baby around the ceremony as a sign of Christ, I wince and close my eyes. The wonder of the service has been replaced by an overwhelming desire to sink to the floor and never get up. It seems that this time of year it’s more difficult to exist as an infertile. Christmas cards and visiting with acquaintances you haven’t seen bring reminders of what you don’t have. Shopping involves malls, where inherently, there are children. Some activities you participate in as a couple are arduous because you would love to do them with children. I fondly remember things from my childhood and sadly let go of the idea that I would pass on those traditions.

I’ve tried to put myself in lesser fortunate shoes by doing volunteer work that normally brings me such peace and thankfulness. But, to be perfectly honest, I can’t let myself imagine less fortunate situations. Ours is unfortunate enough for my taste.