I should be

I realized last night that I’d be 35/36 weeks by now. That what would have been my due date is only about a month away…I’ve been taking everything so hard lately. The real possibility of a hysterectomy has me worried, and I feel like the dream of being a mother is further and further from ever being a reality.

I’m trying to stay focused on all the other things going on, but I get distracted.

In other news – car repairs suck. Does anyone know if you can get sick from smelling too much gasoline? Yesterday my car smelled to and from school. That’s 3 + hours of REALLY strong fumes. When I got home and got out of the car, I threw up, but I still feel yucky. My father in law took the car to the garage because I couldn’t stand to drive it. I could smell it from several feet away. But, it’s a Friday and a car that leaks gas is now at the garage where they’ll try to look at it later today. I have a ton of stuff to do for a RESOLVE event tomorrow and I have no car. It’s aggravating. his parents are leaving for a cruise tomorrow and would they let us borrow their car? Nope. There are a few things going on with them right now, but if things don’t improve, I can’t see us having a good relationship with them anymore.

random remarks

There’s a lot of analogies about how to describe infertility to the fertile. I wish I could find a really good one. When making a random comment to my mother about how some people find babies and children difficult or painful to be around – she made my mouth drop. And I was speaking very generally. I wonder what she’d think if she knew I was sometimes one of those people.

My husband had his first day of student teaching with the new teacher yesterday. It was a long ride to get him there, then I got to get home and still go back out to another school to get him (He has to travel between schools)I spent 3+ hours in the car each time – once morning, once in the afternoon. I hate that the other teacher “dumped” him like she did.

I tallied up what I have spent out of my own pocket for RESOLVE. It’s a frightening amount of money – especially considering I don’t have any. You’d be surprised how fast $5 here and $10 there adds up.

My period is late. Should have been here Jan. 9th. I am in pain and uncomfortable, and with the meds I’m on, not a pleasant person. I want it to get here and get over with. He wants me to test, but I know the delay is related to other medical issues, not pregnancy.

All I have eaten today is two underdone chocolate chip cookies – must go find lunch…