I never sleep the night

I never sleep the night before something exciting. Tomorrow is my big RESOLVE fundraiser. I’m not really nervous just anxious and hoping I don’t forget anything.

My husband’s going at 8 am tomorrow morning to participate in a contest. Eat 4 Philly Cheese steaks as fast as he can. Winner gets Buffalo Sabres Playoff Tickets. If he gets sick and can’t help tomorrow I will be pissed. I even thought of having Roscoe eat them, but that would be awful for everyone involved! Really though, I bet he could beat those crazy professional eaters. That Lab can wolf food like nobody’s business.

Having a rough time these past few weeks. I know Mothers day is coming and another would’ve been due date in May. We also went to a private adoption seminar. And while we could actually let ourselves think about it, it’s still to far away and too painful to hope.

Today my mom and I were running errands for tomorrow’s auction. She knew we went to the seminar and had questions about what it’s like because that is how her parents did it 52 years ago. Anyway, she said “wouldn’t it be neat if you “had” your baby when your sister was having a baby” (her quotes over had, not mine.) I thought I’d throw up in the middle of the baby section of the department store. (how she dragged me there I don’t know) I wanted to yell “NO!” Not cool. Not neat. Heartbreaking.

I know it’s irrational to have this weird first grandchild thing and I wouldn’t want to begrudge my sister’s child. However, everything comes easy for her and I get upset just thinking of the comments she would make. The thought of watching her have kids as a childless woman makes me tear up and suck back the sobs. It makes me want to vomit. I know I have to get past this.

She’s getting married next year. She’s bidding on a home. She’s on the pill, for now. She wants to be a stay at home mom and finish having all her kids by 30. (She’s 23) I know it’s a REALLY strong possibility, even a probability and yet I cannot face it and what’s behind it. Part of me is scared that it would lead to a resentment on both parts that would be irreparable.

Okay, obviously I’m tired and rambling and not sure anyone will even read this. I’ll give you the rundown on the adoption thing this weekend. It might actually be doable for us. Maybe.