Saw Nancy (my therapist) today. Divulged details about what’s going on. Really told her. It was weird to talk about it out loud. She knew how I felt without me saying a word.

My husband booked me a ticket to New Orleans without consulting me. I know he wants me to go to help, and wants to see me, but this is the last weekend I have in New York and I didn’t want to travel.

I haven’t faced the reality of leaving yet. Of saying goodbye to all the people I have grown so close to. Its frustrating to know that I love and care for each one and any decision I make will hurt me and them. So, do I choose to take the pain for my husband? I feel I owe him, meanwhile, I’m in pain. Will I cause any other pain by leaving? I don’t know.

I have been delaying the inevitable; I believe by leaving I’m still continuing to do so. The only difference is, before I wasn’t thinking about going, and now I have to but I wish I could stay.

Should I stay or should I go?

Okay, so it isn’t an age old question like "to be or not to be?"; but for me it’s causing just as many problems. I’ve been living in denial, pretending I don’t have to make a decision, just going along with what everyone wants. But that is making me crazy. I want to stay. I like being alone. Well, sometimes. Friends and family all think I should go, and I can’t expect anyone else to want me to stay….


I feel as if everything about my life is caught in a whirlwind, and I am spinning up in the air amidst the chaos