Well, I can tell you where I’m not tonight. Long story and I’m too pissy to type it right now. I bought these tickets as soon as they went on sale and they went to waste… Aargh!

Counting down

One day to Iron Fork

Three days until A&B arrive

Two weeks to Orlando

Four weeks until Mom & Dad’s/Sister & Husband’s joint road trip

Trying to look forward to something instead of living each day miserable. Depression is not easy, insomnia only exacerbates things. 

Comings and goings

Looks like my sister in law and her husband are coming to visit us this weekend. Ugh! I’d love to see them, but ahem, my place doesn’t seem ready for company yet. I guess I have a lot of work to do in the next few days.

Also found out we’re headed to Orlando for a few days in May. It’s an in on Wednesday out on Friday deal, but I can get something done then while the husband is in meetings. I have to do some research to see what I can do/see in the short time I’m there. A board member of husband’s organization is making the arrangements and traveling with us, so I don’t know exactly how much time we’ll have. Even still, I figure I can get in maybe a quick shopping trip, some time at the beach, or a nice dinner out. 


My mother in law had surgery on Thursday. I know she’s missing “her baby” and I feel bad that I can’t help her out with her recovery, so I decided to send her flowers. I’m not a big sender, because as much as I think they’re gorgeous, I hate paying the steep prices. I’ve been known to go to a flower wholesaler and make something beautiful without paying the high price of a florist. But, distance makes this difficult and so I outsourced. The website I had used was one I used in the past once or twice and been happy with. I placed an order for her and one for a bouquet for a friend of ours first mother’s day.

My mother in law being the stubborn persuasive woman she is, convinced the docs to let her go Saturday instead of Monday. So, I called customer service, thinking I could get to them before the order went out. They were supposed to be delivered on Monday @ the hospital. I asked if we could re-route them to her home, just a few miles from the hospital.

I, of course, get the new person. She can’t get the order number right even after repeating it a dozen time. She asks if an ‘O’ is a zero, after I specified O as in Oscar. After we finally get the order number, she is further perplexed and can’t figure out how to help. She admits to me that her supervisor is nearby and this is only her first hour taking calls. Now, I’m all for training. But, when it’s discovered that this is more than a routine order being placed, can’t you send me to someone more experienced?

What should have been a 10 minute call, tops, took over an hour. Hopefully the orders will be right, because she kept asking about the other one (watch, my mother in law will get both)


Terminal City

I’ve discovered this show on Sundance. They get it.

I find it moving. I think mostly because I still have so many unresolved feelings about being sick, my treatment, etc. I am a person who never seems to have a problem talking, sharing, emoting, etc.

I just couldn’t. At the time, I was too busy protecting everyone, pretending I was fine and coping well. I thought if I shut down, it would give me more energy towards feeling better. My diagnosis, and everything that came after it came at what I considered an inopportune time.  I feared my sister would feel I was taking attention off her and her upcoming wedding. I knew my mother didn’t deal well with it, so I tried to spare her as well. There is such a spiral of chaos around someone at the time, and it’s interesting to see it played out among family characters. 

April heat

I can’t believe it’s so warm already.

At home, it’s not really this warm this soon, as a rule. I saw as a rule, because apparently, the first April I’m not there in years it’s been around 80. Heat wave.

I hope I’m not dying of the heat all spring until my body adjusts.

Past midnight

It’s always late, when night turns to morning that I hurt the most. When the day has wound down and there isn’t as much to distract me from stress, depression, pain, etc. When even the physical pain has built up from the previous day.

I used to find things to do to fill these nights. I would scrapbook, or read or go for a walk, or bake. My husband would laugh if he woke to a kitchen of baked goods, knowing I was unable to sleep that night.

I have to replace all the things lost in that last kitchen box that mysteriously didn’t make it here. I did pick up a muffin tin today though. It’s hard to remember what exactly is missing until I’m looking for it. I know it was a huge box, but the only other thing I’m positive I can’t find is cooling racks. And I’m pretty sure I didn’t have a huge box full of muffin tins and racks.

Baking late at night was part of what led to my huge cookie cutter collection. I’d bake all different shapes and then think of ones I didn’t have and go hunting online for more. After lots of thinking, I’m gonna get rid of them. I’ve become inspired by Unclutterer and have felt the need for less stuff, more organization.

I’ve slowly come to this realization: Stuff doesn’t fill the emptiness.

While I’m not a hoarder, I know I’m a saver. I hate to waste anything and feel guilty about giving or throwing things away that I might use, someone gave me, I spent hard earned money on, (and a million other excuses) but I am trying to commit myself to only owning things I need and use, to not hanging onto things just because.