I’m here in Buffalo. Arrived late on Wednesday.
I had plans to stay at a friends house when I got in. They were out of town, but they left a key. Or so they thought. Apparently both forgot, thinking the other spouse had done it. They tried calling their neighbor who has a spare, but didn’t reach him. So, I find this out shortly outside Erie PA. Kind of late to be springing a visit on someone else. So that was a bit aggravating, but I made do and found a place.
I’ve taken care of my traffic ticket. I visited with my in laws, I took my brother to lunch. I’ve tried to call people I didn’t get a chance to see before I left. I’ve been trying to stay busy.
But, I wasn’t busy enough.
I wish things were cut and dry. Or maybe I should wish for guidance to make a good decision, not “a” decision, but a final one. Does everyone second guess themselves constantly like this? I feel conflicted and wonder if I can pick something and stick to it. Sometimes I just wish I didn’t want more. Or that I loved my husband the way he loves me. Or that I could somehow completely turn off my sex drive and need for affection. Or that I could mix my husband in a bag with some ideal man and get the right combination of man.
Do I stay, knowing that maybe I won’t ever be happy with the marriage we have?
Do I leave, and maybe never find anyone who loves me the way my husband does?
At least it’s a gorgeous sunny afternoon here, I’m on a patio enjoying the breeze, the feeling of home and the thought of dinner with friends. Somehow maybe that will distract me for a little while…