Looking around

I’m supposed to be packing. I’m headed up to NY again (yes, I know gas is expensive) to spend a few days and the 4th with some friends. I have a job interview while I am up there, but I don’t know that I want to return to Buffalo for good.

I walk around this apartment; the place I’ve tried so hard to make our home for the last few months.

I think about what is “mine”. What I can leave with, what I have to leave behind. Am I prepared to start over with very little? To have to finnagle a way to find some of the basics, because it’s easier for me to get them than to have him need things? I find myself taking things into the spare room, making piles of necessities. Making two separate spaces, one for things that can go now, one for things that can’t until I find a permanent place.

So much of this place is “ours”. So many things I can’t take, because he needs them, and I know I can find a way to live without. The fact that I want to leave him as comfortable as possible doesn’t escape my notice. I know my guilt about this separation is leeching into the ability to pack belongings.

Some part of me feels I don’t deserve the things that might make me feel at home somewhere else.

2 thoughts on “Looking around

  1. I went through something similar when I got divorced. My husband tried really hard to make it work, but I was just unhappy. So I left with very little – I figured if I was the one that wanted to leave, it was my decision, I wouldn’t make him suffer for it. So I know how you feel.
    In many ways it’s better to start fresh anyway.


  2. Wow, I’ve just caught up. Well, I know you’re already on your trip, but I can only hope maybe you’ll find some sign that will lead you in the direction of the path you’ll be happiest taking. Sorry things have been so tough lately.


talk to me

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s