bruises

My family would understand if I had a hand print on my arm, or a black eye.

They don’t seem to grasp that some wounds are less obvious. That neglect can be as hurtful as a dozen backhands to the cheek.

We’ve been a private couple.

When we went into infertility treatment, only one couple we were friends with knew. And even then, only because certain procedures needed anesthetic, which meant we needed a driver. When my cancer was diagnosed, I waited to tell our families, until after we were aware of the outcome. When we completed adoption paperwork, only the essential people knew. No one knew the husband has multiple urologic/hormonal issues. Very few people were told the details of my assault last November.

When I do try to share a little bit with our loved ones, I get grief. We shouldn’t burden them; we shouldn’t bother them, and so on. We have gotten very good at these methods. Keeping secrets, omitting information, dodging questions.

It does cause me to wonder if he’s been hesitant to share because he’s a private person or because he likes having me feel isolated.

I’ve always said I’d leave the moment a man raised his hand to me. Why is that so much worse?

6 thoughts on “bruises

  1. I used to halfway hope my ex would smack me around so I would have a better reason to leave than he just treated me like shit. I finally was able to leave after my mother passed away.
    She would have given me a world of grief.

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  2. This post prompted me to read all of the posts on your front page here. I’m not going to pretend I know you but I do want you to know that if I could hug you, I would. I gather you are going through an extremely difficult time and I think it’s truly brave of you to share this with everyone. Kudos to you!

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  3. Just found your blog yesterday. I have been through that all-by-myself-with-my-husband thing for years. Finally got up the nerve to say “either we be really close or I’m out of here one day soon”. I have a 6 year old, so it wasn’t easy. I am seeing improvement, so I’ll have hope. From one Kate to another, you are worth more.

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