Update

I've debated for over a week – on how to give out all the information I've been holding back and I keep coming to similar conclusions.   A little at a time may be a better idea.

I went Thursday up to Buffalo.  Got the chance to tell my family that my husband and I aren't going to make it.  That we're done.  The reactions I received from my parents and siblings were different than I could have anticipated, but the news of my father's job loss diluted the effect of my news.

For the most part, Friday, when I broke the news, my mother was supportive.  Monday when I called her to let her know I was home she was changing her tune – but it's much easier to deal with her negativity over the phone as opposed to in person.

I know some people will be shocked;  Others will condemn me for abandoning my poor blind husband.  These were the people who praised me as being a special kind of person for marrying him in the first place.  Some whom I thought would react badly will show me the kind of support I'll be eternally grateful for.

It's all unknown at this point, which is always the scary part for me.  But I think I'm handling it well; I'm surprising myself each and every day.

Trifecta

Anyone else have bad news?

I know it can come in threes, like death and natural disasters.

Here, preparing myself for breaking my own bad news, I hear some from my family.

They gathered tonight to greet me hello.  Unfortunately, they were cranky by the time I drove in after I spent two hours stopped behind an accident in Ohio.  When they leave, my mother makes a drive by announcement that they have bad news to tell me.  My sister tells her that she'll tell me so Mom, Dad and Brother leave.

Dad got let go from his job today. 

Perfect timing, universe.   Thank you ever so much.

Exit stage left

It wasn't the first time I broached the topic.

I've made parts of the speech before.  I'm leaving, I'm done, I can't do this anymore -  have all been said.

I'm not sure he ever believed it before.  He thought there was something he could do or say to change my mind. 

This weekend I stood my ground and spoke up for myself.  I made it known that I am leaving.  I made it clear that I cannot, will not stay.

I am visiting my family at home this weekend.  I will be telling my parents of our split and asking them to support our decision, even if they don't understand it or like it.

When I get back to Nashville, I'll be making my exit.

Thinking…

I would say I'm in so much trouble, but that's not completely accurate.

I could confess that I'm overwhelmed, but that's not quite right either.  It's true, it just doesn't feel like it encompasses what I'm feeling.

simple words

I'm loquacious; a wordy girl.  (Redundant too apparently)

It's rare that I find myself speechless.  Correction.  It's rare I cannot find what I think of as the  "right" words.  I have rarely been known to stutter and stumble but in the last 24 hours, I've done it much more than I would care to admit.

I'm sitting in a hotel room in undisclosed location.  I can hear the traffic; the repetitive sound of cars driving past, in a hurry to their destination.  Today everyone rushes while I slow down.  I stroll in time to the running pace of their feet.

The rain hits the window and I think about the last time I found myself in a hotel room in the pouring  rain.  I was in the window trying not to cry and rage, not sipping hot chocolate and dancing around with a smile on my face.

Sometimes, words fail.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that even if I can't describe it, feeling it is enough.

Love

I love a lot of people, for many different reasons. At one
time it was easy for me to love everyone. With time, it became significantly
harder. I chose better and gave my love with much more caution. Now, I give
away pieces of my love at a time. Because those I love, I love with all my
heart. I know I am loved and I love myself. Still, I know the world holds much
more love for me, out there somewhere. If I can just let my heart open enough
to let that love come in and take hold.

100 words project

Adventures of asking “what if?”

Since reading her first book "The Department of Lost & Found"  I've been a fan of Allison Winn Scotch.

I was lucky enough to win a copy of her new book "Time of My Life" on her blog.  It looks like a good one.   Hopefully she'll forgive me, and please go to her blog or her site to read the actual synopsis, an excerpt and a review – but it's a story of a woman with a seemingly perfect life who wonders "what if".

We all do that.  I think it's in our nature.  But, Allison takes her lead character back – letting her relive her recent past and giving her the chance to do it all over again.

I'm going to take it with me as I board a plane on Monday.  Lots of what if thoughts in my head led to this.  My husband is booked to stay at a local conference both Friday and Saturday nights this week.  He then leaves again after a day at home.   I thought to myself – what if I use this as an opportunity to get away?  So, I've decided not to spend the week at home.  If he can board a plane, so can I. 

Monday, I'm off on an adventure.