I love him. I do.
I want to shout it from those beautiful mountains I look at everyday.
I am here, with my best friend, exploring how we can build a life together. Planning a future.
He is not without flaws, but he is without judgment. He accepts me for me, and loves me the way I am, all my flaws just being a part of who I am.
He wants to help and take care of me. Yet he knows that he can and should only do so much. We want to take care of each other, without being a caretaker to each other. Because we’ve been there with spouses who let us, and then took advantage of that fact. We know that while we can care for the other, we don’t have to sacrifice ourselves in the process.
We’ve known each other a short time and yet, we have supported each other through some of the toughest times.
I was there when he thought he should end it all, suicidal. When he thought about just giving up and staying in his marriage. I tried to support him, to make him know he was worth more.
When I couldn’t decide how to end my marriage, he listened. When I debated staying in a bad situation, he was there for me.
I’ve known for so long that he’s loved me. It frightened me at first. The intensity of his feelings. Reluctantly, for a short while, I ran from him. Ducking his calls. Ignoring his emails. I was afraid.
Because I liked him; because he got to me.
I couldn’t and didn’t want to keep him away.
I liked hearing from him. I loved our playful flirtation. I adored the sound of his voice.
We started asking the questions no one would dare to ask. Going to the places most friendships can’t survive.
We desperately anticipated each chance to spend time talking, sharing, commiserating and actively listening.
As things got more intense for each of us, him filing for divorce and me leaving, we bonded more. We have cemented our friendship on support and trust.
Hundreds of miles, fifteen years and a million life experiences between us. We are in many ways so very different and yet in a multitude of ways we mirror one another.
There is hurt behind his eyes. Hurt and pain I wish I could take away. He has the ability to hurt me, simply because I feel so strongly about him. Funny though, I know it would kill him to do anything that would cause me pain.
He pushes me, and I often need to be pushed. I need to be persuaded to talk at times, and other times I need to be coaxed to tell the whole tale. The reflexive answers of “I’m fine” and “everything is OK” aren’t acceptable when he feels there is something more underneath.
He feels things. I feel him. We are connected far beyond what two people normally are. We feel what the other one feels, almost to the point of experiencing the other ones thoughts and feelings. We reach for the phone just as the other is calling or texting. We think about the other one constantly but are able to do so without letting it be completely distracting.
He understands me in a way no one has before. Few have even tried enough to come close. Because I am difficult, I keep the border wall up at all times. Someone has to fight and really want in for me to relent. It has always been a problem for me, opening up, letting someone in. Not just telling them what they want to hear but telling them everything. Allowing them see the parts of me that are dirty, messy, acrid and unsavory.
He doesn’t care. Its part of who I am, that mess. The quirks, the bits of insanity that constitute me – he loves them. He knows I’m not perfect and unlike so many in my life, doesn’t ask or expect me to be.
I cannot explain most of the feelings I have for him. Past relationships – both friendships and otherwise – pale in comparison. I see the bond we have and I regret not acknowledging it sooner. Sometimes I think we each had to experience the things we have in order to have wound up where we are now. Still, however we wound up together, I believe this is someone I am supposed to have in my life.
I’d love to jump ahead and tell you that this is the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t know for sure. I hope so. I think we could be fantastic for one another, and see that already in the brief time we’ve been together.
I can’t predict the future, or even know whether or not there’s a tomorrow, but I can tell you I want him to be there. I cannot ask for anything better and I wouldn’t begin to know how that was even possible, really. I have someone in my life, in my heart, who wants to be there. Someone who desires me, accepts me, loves me.
I want to plan a life with him. I want to have a future. I want to enjoy each day as it gets here and still think about what we might have ahead of us. Living in the present, with just a quick shine to planning ahead.