It’s been raining here in Utah on and off for days. Drizzles lead to lightning, soaking sheets coming down out of a sky that seems to open up out of nowhere. I find myself thinking of last July, being rain soaked in Washington, D.C. and miserable; though that had nothing to do with the weather.
My life has changed a lot in the last year. I have continued to change and thankfully, grow since then.
I have made mistakes. I have pissed off a lot of people, broken some hearts, disappointed others. I have surprised almost everyone, including myself. I have pushed myself. To step beyond my anxieties, to fight through the fears, to win over the detractors. I’m living. I was alive, I have survived a lot, but for the first time my life feels like my own. My days feel good, and end well.
I wake up often beside a man who cares for me a great deal, who loves me dearly, and I lay within his arms when I can. I make the most of my time, I try to enjoy things, I find myself pausing to be thankful that I’ve made it here.
When I was assaulted, I wanted to never have another man close to me. When I lost pregnancy after pregnancy, I chose to shut much of the world out. When I saw my marriage start to falter, I figured I’d be unhappy the rest of my life. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I just wanted to live that life. When I left my husband, I thought, I will try to be happy. Then, I decided to take a look at myself and decided I was worth more, I deserved more.
I’m not perfect, I will continue to fuck up. Still, I’m cognizant of that, and that awareness helps keep me from doing so more often.
I will laugh when I do something stupid, and blush when I’m caught thinking dirty. I still have a mouth that both truckers and sailors claim is worse than theirs. I am not a size 8 and my hair still reminds me of mop top. I will cringe when I spend money and beam when I cook a good meal. I will wear uncomfortable shoes if they look pretty, and buy more lingerie than I need. I will touch him too much and flirt with strangers too often.
But, this, this is me. I am Kate, I am weird, and I am a chatterbox. I am ticklish and sensitive, and I hate to cry. I love to tease people and I wear my sunglasses when it’s gloomy. I am a slowpoke on the road and the loud one singing at the red light. I am someone who spends too much time online, who loves to grocery shop. I am a dork, a nerd and I never know when to shut up.
And some people like it. Love it, even. I am grateful, I am happy. I am Kate.