Status update

It’s been raining here in Utah on and off for days. Drizzles lead to lightning, soaking sheets coming down out of a sky that seems to open up out of nowhere. I find myself thinking of last July, being rain soaked in Washington, D.C. and miserable; though that had nothing to do with the weather.

My life has changed a lot in the last year. I have continued to change and thankfully, grow since then.

I have made mistakes. I have pissed off a lot of people, broken some hearts, disappointed others. I have surprised almost everyone, including myself. I have pushed myself. To step beyond my anxieties, to fight through the fears, to win over the detractors. I’m living. I was alive, I have survived a lot, but for the first time my life feels like my own. My days feel good, and end well.

I wake up often beside a man who cares for me a great deal, who loves me dearly, and I lay within his arms when I can. I make the most of my time, I try to enjoy things, I find myself pausing to be thankful that I’ve made it here.

When I was assaulted, I wanted to never have another man close to me. When I lost pregnancy after pregnancy, I chose to shut much of the world out. When I saw my marriage start to falter, I figured I’d be unhappy the rest of my life. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I just wanted to live that life. When I left my husband, I thought, I will try to be happy. Then, I decided to take a look at myself and decided I was worth more, I deserved more.

I’m not perfect, I will continue to fuck up. Still, I’m cognizant of that, and that awareness helps keep me from doing so more often.

I will laugh when I do something stupid, and blush when I’m caught thinking dirty. I still have a mouth that both truckers and sailors claim is worse than theirs. I am not a size 8 and my hair still reminds me of mop top. I will cringe when I spend money and beam when I cook a good meal. I will wear uncomfortable shoes if they look pretty, and buy more lingerie than I need. I will touch him too much and flirt with strangers too often.

But, this, this is me. I am Kate, I am weird, and I am a chatterbox. I am ticklish and sensitive, and I hate to cry. I love to tease people and I wear my sunglasses when it’s gloomy. I am a slowpoke on the road and the loud one singing at the red light. I am someone who spends too much time online, who loves to grocery shop. I am a dork, a nerd and I never know when to shut up.

And some people like it. Love it, even. I am grateful, I am happy. I am Kate.

One thought on “Status update

  1. Doesn’t it feel great to be happy? I’m one of those people who like to see others happy and upbeat rather than gloomy and depressed. So I like this post very much.

    Make a copy and tuck it away somewhere. On those hopefully rare days when you aren’t feeling so well, pull it out and let the good things wash over you.

    Big cyber hugs for you Kate.



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