random remarks – Friday edition

I realized I stopped doing these once I got on twitter. After all, where else would you spew share such garbage useful insight? So, let’s do it, for old times sake and to distract me from the horror that is Fridays at work.

– Fridays are not so hot if you work Saturday.

– I wish I had had a few more paychecks under my belt before our trip.

– Coconut m&m’s are good, but weird.

– Being around all these good Mormon girls at work makes me feel like even more or a pervert than usual. Yesterday, I made a joke about a patient’s name and no one got it. And a girl held up her pinky talking about how little her friend’s boyfriend was and as I made a comment, I realized she meant height and weight, not length and girth.

– He’s freaking out and wants stability; feeling like everything is out of control. Asked me to not overreact to his depression or to him overreacting, but I feel like it will be a challenge to do so.

ping pong

My brain, and thoughts that occupy it, remind me of a ping pong ball. Bouncing here and there, I’m usually all over the place. This especially happens at night, when I lay there hoping for sleep.

Funny, when I first started crashing here, I always fell asleep first. But, it was after a long day or night, so the time is the key, I believe. Now that my body has pretty much adjusted to being up in the daytime and in bed at night, it’s back to the usual history of not sleeping well. Part of it is an erratic schedule, I’m sure. I’ve never been a girl with a dead strict routine, though I have tried waking and retiring at the same time each day to change my sleeping habits.

I hate the tossing and turning, the inability to quiet down inside enough to just fall off into slumber.

I wake up, usually after having only half as much sleep as I would prefer and feeling a little whipped. It gets progressively worse as the days go on if I don’t get a reprieve. Both Monday and Tuesday this week I ended up taking a nap in the afternoon, like a child or some old woman.

I’ve been dealing with strange dreams and nightmares as well, both which unsettle me enough to wake up at times. Sometimes I choose to just get up because I know falling back asleep with those thoughts present leads to mental stress.

I’m hoping our vacation next week will give me time to sleep, and maybe I’ll change my pattern.

bringing out the better

He brings out the better from the bad.

I’m one girl, just flawed and bruised, and he finds the good in me and brings it out. He makes it easy for me to be myself, the better parts of me.

He brought me up and help me to brush off the dirty. Use whatever metaphor you like, I feel like I went from the caterpillar to the butterfly, the duckling to the swan.

Like a cheesy movie – when the girl loses the bad clothes, the glasses and the updo in favor of big hair, mascaraed lashes and a gorgeous dress – I’ve been transformed.

Or maybe just revealed.

he’s singing my song

I’m not sure there’s ever been an actual theme song in my head, like you would expect. There’s a seemingly endless string of songs though, a soundtrack of sorts as I go through my days.

There are songs that serve as narration of my thoughts. Songs that capture what he means to me, feelings I have about our relationship.

He serenaded me a little while ago. A bad night led to me crying in his arms at the end of the night, feeling frustrated and anxious. As he laid there in the dark, he started to sing. I didn’t recognize the song, but I didn’t interrupt him to ask. I knew this was one of those precious moments, the ones you’ll relive, the ones you almost can’t believe are happening because they’re just that good.

When I’m having a rough moment, I play the song as he sang it in my head. He played me the recorded version a few days later, but it couldn’t hold a candle to his interpretation in my opinion.

If you’re going to California

“If you’re going to California, that’s alright, any place will do. Well, I guess I just want to go with you.” – From Alison Moorer’s “Alabama Song”

I’m going on a vacation. I’ve never taken one before. I’ve tagged along on business trips, and traveled for work, but I’ve really never just gone somwhere for the fun of it. My time off vacations in the past have involved working around the house, taking on projects and so on. So, the idea of driving to California to see what’s what and meet some friends sounds delightful. Plus, I already know I love being in a car with the boyfriend, so we’re set there.

Fireworks

Let me guess how many posts today will be about them, or use this as the title, I don’t care.

Last weekend we sat out and watched some. I haven’t done that since I was a kid, just go and watch the fireworks. I’d notice them as I was driving home from work, or I’d see them from the window, but I haven’t gone to watch in years.

We grabbed a blanket and a patch of grass outside a shopping center parking lot and sat ourselves down, snuggling to keep each other warm. Tonight we may do something similar.

What I’ve realized here in the last 4 months, is that he makes the simple exciting and enjoyable. We appreciate each other and seem to appreciate the little things more with the other around. Things like fireworks, and good songs on the radio, rainstorms, or a nicely cooked meal.

Our fireworks come more than just on the 4th.  We have a passion for each other that goes beyond one hot summer day. We tend to the other and to ourselves and enjoy what we have. Like fireworks, our relationship is  made up of simple things; but when the right chemistry combines, we turn into something beautiful.

So, when you hear that squeal, pop, bang and see those bright explosions of light, understand that’s what he does for me, all the time.

Quiet

I have so much to say, but I feel quieted lately.

Turning the stream of consciousness into something readable isn’t always easy. The chaos of change has really affected me and I am not sleeping. Sometimes my not sleeping has benefited this blog, as in years past, late nights exploring things. But as I lay there, aching to sleep, I try not to get up and write, for fear I never get any rest.

Let’s hope this cycle stops soon.