wow

I’m not sure I’m a “wow” kinda girl.

I’ve had people tell me I was beautiful, that I have lovely skin, hair, eyes, etc. I can take a compliment, mostly, without blushing or deflecting.

Saturday was one of those teenage girl days, where you’re hormonal and nothing fits and you’re reliving the time you were 12 and that boy you crushed on crushed you by making fun of you when you revealed your true feelings. I couldn’t find what I wanted, I couldn’t find something that looked good, that fit well, that fell in my price range.

I was crying in the mall, being reassured by the bestest of boyfriends, telling me he chose me, that he loves me that I’m being too hard on me.

And then, I gave up. We searched for shorts for him and headed to a second mall. We found him some and stopped in another store for me at the last minute, just to see if they had the dress I was looking for. He saw some dresses and urged me to try a couple on.

The first one looked really good, he gave me that look, the one we all love to see, when we can see that we look good in someone’s eyes. When it reflects that they see what we see. Because if he likes it and we don’t, well it ain’t gonna happen.

Then I tried another, in a color I love, that looks great with my hair, that I thought would look hideous. I was too nervous to step out of the dressing room so I just opened the door for him. He looked me up and down. He pulled me out to the three way mirror. He smiled and said “wow”.

I tried on the dress in another smaller size and with the right kind of bra. I stepped out and he beamed. He actually sucked in his breath.

I felt gorgeous, and that is a wonderful thing.

there’s no title because it’s really just a stream of consciousness…

It’s Saturday and I’m up, checking mail and drinking coffee before work. Working Saturdays isn’t the bad part – it’s the craziness that goes with it, the people I deal with.

I was planning on baking cookies, but I didn’t feel like taking out the big mixer. I wish I could just make the fresh cookies appear. Wait, that would be a dangerous ability.

I have contests I want to enter, posts I want to write, reviews to do, but I only ever spend enough time online to check my bank account and my inbox.

I know I’m struggling. Last weekend, there was a big talk, and I’m since looking clearer at myself, noticing how tired I am, how I feel, where my interests are. I know I’m depressed, but finding a counselor in my budget here is becoming a difficult task. So, I continue to tread water.

Schedules and demands

The new job – well, I seem to have turned a corner. I’m finally feeling like I’ve gotten the flow of the office, and now the ground is shifting beneath me.

My hours have decreased from 36 to 27. Over 30 at this office equates to full time, and now I’m down to part time. I asked to have Mondays off, so I am responsible for the loss of two of those hours. It takes me 45 minutes to get to work and I was being asked on Mondays to work from 5-7 pm. I spent almost as much time in the car as I did at the office and so I planned to switch my Monday hours for a few more later in the week.

My schedule is now Mondays off, Tuesdays 5-8 pm, Wednesdays 5-7 pm, Thursdays 12-8, Fridays 8-5 and Saturdays 8-2.

The doctors are hiring a replacement for the other girl – who currently works Mon – Weds 8-5. I asked to obtain some of these hours, and assumed I could take a full day 8-8 on Thursday or perhaps even 11-7 Weds. Given that they have encouraged me to come in to cover lunches and vacations for those hours, I assumed that wouldn’t be a problem. I figured it was better to ask for more hours before they hired someone else.

Apparently, they are not willing to give me more hours. I was told I’m not getting them and in the search for another job or a second job, I saw the ad they’re placing for her maternity coverage. It’s for Monday 8-7, Tuesday and Wednesday 8-5.

I’ve asked if they’re unhappy with my performance, but I have gotten no answer. I know I’m overqualified and a little out of my element, with not having any dental experience, but I have been applying myself and thought I was doing very well.

I’m just frustrated. One of my colleagues believes it’s because I make too much money and because I’m a flight risk because I’m not likely to stay long term in this job. I don’t know if that’s true, but I know I’m ramping up the search for work, again.

sometimes…

sometimes I curl up with my laptop, intending to let out all the things in my head, and begin to feel overwhelmed. I have these snippets that start and I can’t get them all out in a manner that makes any sense to anyone but me.

I think clarity comes for me once in a while and when it does, it’s divine.

but sometimes, it doesn’t.

I can talk to him, easily, most of the time. I still find myself holding somethings back. trying not to bitch about work or colleagues too much, trying not to pine when I’m homesick.

I miss having an unbiased opinion. I’m looking for a counselor, but one I can afford and who I will connect with may be a tough find. I found Nancy, my one back at home after trying about a dozen and stayed with her for years. 5 or so I believe and it’s intimidating to think about starting over and rehashing just to get to the part I am at now.

I’m rambling, so I’ll stop for now, but know there’s more here, somewhere, waiting to get out.

mixed feelings and an update

I have so much to write about, but my time tonight is limited. I’m trying to wind down after work, and in a handful of hours, I’ll be back at my desk, so I’ll save most of my thoughts for this weekend.

I’m feeling a lot of things.

I’m happy and tired and excited and jealous. I’m looking forward to writing the vacation wrapup and to letting you know what else is going on. But tonight, it’s tea, an english muffin and some lame TV to quiet my brain…