Buffalo girl

I’m listening to a Buffalo pregame show and feeling a touch homesick. Of course I miss my family but I miss other things as well.

Good pizza – like Bocce’s, Lunetta’s, Pasquale’s

WINGS – real honest to goodness wings – not these Buffalo wings they peddle around the country.

Wegmans – there’s just not a grocery store that compares.

Weber’s mustard, Chiavetta’s marinade, Rosie’s loganberry, Mayer Brothers apple cider, Mighty Taco.

Tim Horton’s – or more affectionately, Timmy Ho’s – double doubles, those yummy coffee concoctions, and muffins and other goodness.

Also missing shows at Shea’s, walking around Glen Park, pedicures at Cielo salon, Friday fish frys, shopping at the Galleria, stopping at Delightful Cookies for a treat.

Ah, Buffalo and western NY, you hold a soft spot in this girl’s heart and I can’t wait to visit again.

Bad news days

September 24th is just a bad day.

This day, a number of years ago, I sat on the bathroom floor bleeding and crying.

Today, I sat on the kitchen floor, crying.

The ex has been diagnosed with a cancer recurrence.

Options

My options suck.

I can take a $99 flight from Salt Lake to Nashville and then rent a U-Haul to load and drive back to Utah. Truck costing about $900. Add in gas and a night somewhere between all that driving and you’re talking more than a grand.

I can drive to Lincoln and just get what I can in the car. Don’t think I could fit everything, but could get most and then toss the rest or continue to pay storage fees. That costs me gas money and a night somewhere = more or less than $500.

The ex can ship a box at a time from the Nashville stuff. I’d still be paying that storage unit monthly until it’s empty and at what – $20-$40 per box, that would add up.

Drive a rented truck / trailer from here to Nashville, load that, then catch the Nebraska stuff on the way back. Probably a week’s time, gas money and a few hundred for the rental costs.

I’m nickel and diming it. Paying for the storage units each month is cheaper in the short term, but more in the long haul. If I get the stuff, I don’t have to pay it, but I don’t have the money to get the stuff.

I’m getting frustrated. <Beating head on wall>

And all this money would take away from me trying to find a way to afford a flight home at Christmas. I keep waiting for something to come along as the perfect solution, but in reality, I’m thinking it will end up being a case of the lesser of the evils.

what he wrote

I find things like this tucked away on the board for me to find. And when I do, I always feel a little stunned, more than a little appreciated and much more than a little swooned. He is kind and sweet and romantic, and though I wouldn’t have thought before that it was important, I do, and I love it.

“To someone….

We’ve been through a lot together so far. A lot of hardships, troubles, fears, and difficult times. We’ve also seen a lot of good times, happiness, strength, and love. I want so much for you. I want you to feel happy, safe, welcomed and cherished.

We’re in a state of constant change it seems, hopefully change for the better. It’s not always going to be easy or fun. There will be good times, but without the bad times we would have no contrast.

Thank you for taking this trip with me. Thank you for letting me in. Most of all, thank you for being you. You may not believe it but you really do fill me with awe and wonder. Of course this could be directed at many, but you’ll know who you are.

I love you babydoll.”

What we’re doing wrong.

I am not perfect. I’m usually the first to admit that.

I’m failing here and falling further into a mess.

I’m doing things to make him feel like he isn’t good enough, like I want different, more, better.

When I don’t.

I’m so afraid of screwing up, that get this, I end up screwing up.

Being cautious to touch him when he’s tired or worn out, so in order to not seem pushy or too aggressive, so I don’t resent him, and he feels rejected. When really, all I want is him.

We’re misinterpreting the others’ words and actions and hurting the other and ourselves in the process. I’m not always so good at this communication stuff, or relationships either. I don’t want to fail him. I’m trying to express my needs, I’m trying to be a good girlfriend. I’m failing anyway.

I hate it.

quandary

I keep trying to come up with a solution – and failing.

I have a storage unit in Tennessee. Things I left behind and things that were once ours, that he placed in storage as he filed paperwork. I have a storage unit in Nebraska filled with clothing, scrapbooks, and other personal belongings. I am in Utah. Have been here just about six months now. I’m here, this is home now. I have some clothes, important files and papers and that’s it. I’ve been meaning to go and get my things for months now. Instead, because of time and financial constraints, I have just paid the storage fees.

I need a plan. I need to find a way to get these things here, because I am getting frustrated by not having them.

I’m trying to see if there’s a way I can do it easier. Driving to TN again, then hitting NE on the way back is time consuming. It will cost money to go there, to rent the trailer to put my things into. It would involve time off from work as well.

Please, if you have an idea, or know of some service you could recommend, please let me know.