Shutting the door in my face

I will probably fly home for Christmas, in January. Prices then are $600 lower – and that is a difference I can’t justify.

The boyfriend mentioned going with me.

At first, I thought about him coming home for Christmas with me (months ago) but I was made aware that taking time at Christmas would be impossible at his workplace.

I kinda put it out of my head.

I’d asked him about going there in February or March – to visit my family, to explore my hometown. He thought that might be fine.

The other night, he mentioned the possibility of going with me in January. Quick to weigh the cons before the pros, I made it sound like a risky proposition.

Now, after weighing the likelihood of bad things happening – them disowning me for moving on, or shutting the door in my face when I arrive with him, I realize I would love to bring him.

I just don’t know how to convince him of that and how to break the news to them that I’m dating someone and want to bring him home…



Lately, I’m worried about a lot of things. Anxiety and worry and stress compound to the point where I have less impulse control. I recognize it, but it is still a challenge to do anything about it. I’ve been very frugal the last few months – saving for an airline ticket home. But just like a diet, deprivation makes me cranky.

I caved and decided to make Christmas cards. It may sound silly, but working on a project like that makes the holidays for me and I don’t want to miss out on all the traditions I’ve loved. But then, instead of the most basic thing, I decide to but some things to make them prettier. Sure, I didn’t go overboard, and these things don’t cost much, but it isn’t a need.

I need things. Because my clothes are still in storage, I probably have less than a week’s worth of winter clothes. While I’m not forced to run around in shorts or less in freezing weather, I get really tired of the same three sweaters, nevermind the fact that they start to look very worn very quickly. OK, this is not a need – but it feels like one.

I want to take advantage of the sales, to buy a modest amount of new things. I can’t – but the impulse too is hard. I spent a gift card this morning on a dress – when I should have bought the basics like tees, sweaters and pants. But being that I’m buying online and I can’t try things on, I didn’t want to have to make a huge return, and I know how their dresses fit.

I want to buy decorations, and a tree and all the things I don’t have this year for Christmas.

I have the urge to buy luxurious gifts for the boyfriend, but I can’t. I can do something – but before I do, should probably speak with him about limits and desires.

I find myself holding back, I have to reign it in sometimes. I wish I had more discipline, I wish I was better at all of this.

Being grateful and giving thanks

I’m sure I’ll just be one of many writing a post today about how thankful or grateful they are. I’m doing it anyway.

I am thankful my family has somewhere to go – that my aunt so resentfully graciously welcomes everyone into her home.

I am thankful I have a job, when so many people don’t.

I am grateful for my coworkers, that they make my days a little more entertaining, even if they drive me crazy.

I am thankful I have somewhere to live, with a kitchen table to have dinner at. (Yay for a table!)

I am grateful that I have food to cook tomorrow, that I have someone to help me make Thanksgiving dinner, and that same special someone to enjoy it with.

I’m thankful I am free in the morning to watch the parade.

I am thankful that the ex is still OK, and that the radiation isn’t whipping him too badly.

I am thankful that a couple I have been friends with for a couple years still checks on me and says hello from time to time.

I am thankful for what I’ve been given, and grateful for the lessons I’m learning. I’m appreciative of my experiences and my life, and of having so many people to care about. I am thankful someone reads this, because I appreciate this outlet.

Thank you and Happy Thanksgiving.

It’s been tough around here.

While tough is always subjective – it’s probably the best word to describe things.

Work has been more hectic than usual – only a few more hours, which I am grateful for, but at the cost of a weirder schedule and working more days a week. No one likes going in for 3 or so hours at a time.

The boyfriend lost his dog. It’s very hard to see him grieving. I’m very angry at his ex for not taking better care of the dog and I’m also feeling guilty because we have talked about future plans to get a dog and I’m apprehensive, though I know he wants to.

Money is tight. I have been scrimping and saving to save for a ticket for Christmas, but I think I just may postpone my trip until January. A ticket at 25% of the cost or less sounds like a better idea for a girl on a budget. I just can’t justify paying more than $800 to be home for the actual holiday.

We’re floundering a little. Sometimes we swim towards each other and hang on to the other one, sometimes we seem to circle away. I want to make him feel better about everything, but I haven’t yet figured out how.

I am a fixer still. As is he, and this makes it difficult because we both want to solve every problem. I have to remember we don’t have to.

All I wanted was a small favor.

Check the boxes, tape and address them. Make sure they’re safe to ship.

Not all the boxes – maybe 2 or 3.

Just the stuff that would make my Christmas, Christmas.

Apparently that was too much to ask my relatives to do.

Football games, tailgating and drinking are priorities.

Doing something I’m too far to do, something the ex is too blind to do, is just too much.


In which I keep my eyes ahead.

There’s a lot swirling around.

Plans for the holidays, starting with the one in two weeks, which we now have a new plan for. Ideas about re-doing the kitchen, the living room, getting my stuff, finding a better job.

Change is constant and I am swimming in it.

I’m worried about the present, with the talks we’ve had recently, and at the same time, I feel secure because we’re still planning a future together. But other things, I can’t see. I can’t see on to a future where I have a better job,where we’re moving to. I can’t see beyond the immediate, not for more than a few minutes. Am I so busy living in the here and now that I’ve forgotten the rest?

Could the worries about money and health and so on be preventing me from imagining a better future and striving towards it?


Today, my ex will start his radiation.

The first day, to be followed by six weeks full of weekday trips across the street to the hospital.

I’m worried, but am trying to keep things in check.

I know a few weeks from now, he’ll be wiped out, damaged by the daily treatments. He’ll be weak and tired and pained. I wish I knew a way to let him escape unscathed from the experience, but I don’t.