Perhaps he thought I was being noble about today’s original plans. He was waiting for me to ask something, but I truly thought, well, if we can’t do it together, he should at least go by himself. I guess maybe he thought that was weird, or selfish.

Part of me needs a little more pampering. I guess that makes me spoiled. But I know, if I can’t have it, I’ll live. By the same token, I like to treat others to special things.

As of right now, we have no plans. We decided it would be date night a few weeks ago. That we should make an effort to have one a month. We’ve gone out already, so I suppose I can’t complain. I think we mostly did this because if the surgery does happen next week, it will be a while before he’s up for it again.

I don’t know if this places undue pressure on him. It is often the guy’s responsibility to pick the event, the restaurant, come up with the plans. I don’t mind doing it, but I sometimes wonder if we’re both too easygoing about it. Often, we offer to leave it up to the other, because we don’t have enough of a preference or because we don’t want to decide for the other.

I just like getting dolled up and spending some time with him. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, expensive or excessive. Just a night out. Just a date.

random remarks (friday edition)

In the past these were always posted on Thursday, but as usual lately, I am a day behind.

– A girl I went to high school with was killed last week. I did not know her well, but I am sad for her family.

– My parents are not my children. It will not be my fault if they lose their home, though I will blame myself nonetheless.

– I am reaching the breaking point with my work, and hopefully it won’t all come to a head at Tuesday’s monthly staff meeting.

– I wish we knew if the surgery was approved yet.

– I wish I could decide on what to do for date night tomorrow.

aggravation

I am frustrated by my colleagues.

I am hoping he calls the doc about the issues he’s having.

I am upset at my parents’ cavalier attitude about their financial situation.

I am going to vent it here and try to let it go for the night.

He says he doesn’t feel like himself.

I think we’re both dealing with a bit of depression. Perhaps it’s seasonal, perhaps it’s situational. There’s a lot of physical stress he’s dealing with, and we’re both caught in the emotional side of it.

I feel a bit lost, and so it’s hard for me to be there for him. I wonder if I feel a bit lost because he isn’t quite himself.

I pray that the workman’s comp approves his surgery. I want to see him out of pain. I know it’s a long road to healed, but at least it would be progress.

Tension

There’s much tension lately. The injury he sustained a while back at work is throwing our lives into a bit of chaos, and the effect it’s having on both of us isn’t pretty. I know he’s in pain, he’s frustrated, scared, aggravated, disappointed and so on. I’m nervous, stressed, pouty and worried.

We’re taking things the wrong way, perceiving things differently than they’re intended. That can make for some tough conversations.

I want him to feel better. I hate seeing him in pain and hate that there’s nothing I can do about it.

I can only pray that surgery is approved, that it goes well and that his road to recovery is smooth and obstacle free. (Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?)

repeating in my head

Preheat brain. Add ingredients in a quiet location.

I am grateful

I am lucky

I am appreciative

I don’t need everything I want

I don’t have to be envious

I will find better work

I am worth being treated well

I am beautiful

Keep repeating until it sticks. Say it out loud until it becomes part of your recurrent internal dialogue.

Monday, Monday

Mondays are strange without him around. I have the day off, but he no longer does. The injury changing his schedule, his life.

I continue to work on looking for a new job, I’m starting other projects to help myself personally, and our relationship.

I think the day can still be unpleasant even if it isn’t the first day of your workweek. Mondays always make me feel a little melancholy, a little lost.