scared and stupid

This weekend is the boyfriend’s work party at the local amusement park.  Every year they do it in October – a family picnic type event. Keep in mind October is fickle in this part of the country. It is supposed to be something like 89 degrees this Saturday. First strike.

I don’t hate Halloween. I love pumpkins and candy and costumes. I hate being spooked though, and spiders. The idea of a haunted house freaks me the fuck out. There are several at the event. Now, yes, I know, they’re staffed with teenagers and there’s nothing actually scary about them. Except that I get nervous when people jump out at me.

Add to that my fear of roller-coasters and other types of rides. I’m fine with say, a carousel or a ferris-wheel, but I literally feel like I will die on a roller-coaster. I don’t get the euphoric rush most people get. I’m just grateful to be off and I try not to puke while I sob and ask him to not make me ride any more.

He doesn’t make me ride another. He never made me in the first place.

I push myself so that I am not the boring stick in the mud. I want to have fun, screaming and throwing my hands up. Instead, I scream in terror and tell him “I hate you” while my eyes stay pressed shut. As if impending death is easier to take in the dark.

I need a little resolve, a little bravery for this weekend. I wish I could be carefree about it.

Week three

Unemployment is not fun, but I must say, around interviews and job hunting,  I’m getting a lot of small projects done.

I feel relieved that I got the phone issue straightened out. I didn’t like not being able to make calls or send / receive texts. I’m also grateful, because I like knowing I can reach my family back home and vice versa. I did speak with my mother last night. I expressed my concerns about holiday travel and my plans (or lack thereof).

I miss them. I miss my former coworkers too. Being unemployed makes me feel a bit more isolated. However, I can at least text people this week and maybe try to make plans.

I think I really need to make an effort to have friends here in UT. All my friends are around the country or back home; I need local support. People who can come to parties or dinner here at my home, people to meet up with for lunch or coffee and so on. I need to put myself out there more.

pretty face

So, perhaps I am not pretty enough to be the face of your business.

I am not that traditional Utah blonde. I have my own sense of style; one that’s classic and quirky. My hair will never be flaxen and straight; my eyelashes don’t get curled, I rarely paint my fingernails.

That doesn’t make me better or worse – just different.

Someone else’s wedding photos

It’s weird. I’m looking at these photos from the wedding we went to a few weeks back.

You wonder if they’ll make it. If they’ll figure out what so many people can’t seem to. If they love enough to get through the sickness, the health, the poorer and the little bit more comfortable than poorer. If they can manage through the bad, the better, the good, the “oh no, we thought we hit the worst already” worse.

They’re young and sweet. I hope only the best.

I think about how life is when you first get married. How lots of things seem possible, even if improbable. Back then, I had never had a love like that. I wasn’t convinced it existed, and if it did, I didn’t think I deserved it.

I know now that I do. I have a love that makes me better, that makes me feel like anything is possible.

Is it weak to want to have a wedding with that kind of love behind it?

Goals, ambitions and a 5 year plan

I don’t have a 5 year plan.

I’m not the kind of person who has it all figured out that way. Life has changed so drastically over the last 5 that I wouldn’t even know where to start.

I want to have a job that challenges me, that gives me the financial ability to  have a little freedom, pay my bills, perhaps start a business.  But that’s just it; what business would I start? I have too many ideas and not enough money to run with them all.

I feel like I have many bankable talents – but which of those passions / talents could really bring me success?

At one point, I could see myself working constantly, no time off, no vacation. I don’t know if I was that driven or if I just liked diving into work because it meant I had to spend less time at home. Now, at home, I am happiest. If I could travel around the country, the world even, with him, I would. Just exploring and having an adventure together. Each day with him brings me something new and time away from him – while necessary for work – it drags.

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Sometimes I think about going back to school, but the idea of student loans now is daunting. At this age, why would I want to get into that now? Then, other times I think about going out on my own again, whether it’s something as simple as a small sweet shop or something closer to what I was doing before, in the medical field; or opening a big non-profit and running it.

I wish I had a little guidance, a little better idea of what I wanted to do with myself. I’ve debated it, pondered it and really looked in my heart. I can only come up with one set of thoughts. Since my diagnosis a few years ago, I’ve had this persistent voice in the back of my head. “You never know how much time you have left” and because of this, I don’t want to waste it. I know some tedious things are necessary. You can’t skip doing your laundry because laundry is not exciting enough with your limited life, same goes for work.

I just want to know that I made a contribution, that I left something better than how it was before. I want to be happy too. Maybe that’s a goal in itself. Maybe that is enough for me.

career paths

I apply to anything and everything that interests me in the least – or that I may qualify for at all.

Perhaps this is not the best move.

Maybe I should focus on myself, what would fulfill me career wise.

I could pursue any number of things that interest me and that I would like to do. Baking/chocolates or some type of catering thing. Becoming a professional Dominatrix – I’m sure this city needs one. Maybe I’ll look into becoming a professional sniper / hitwoman.

I’m just saddened by what’s out there, how little there seems to be available and that I don’t have the funds to get something great up and running.

the world spins

So much happens in life when you aren’t looking. Summer in July was consumed with the kitchen project. I’m happy it’s done, it is beautiful. August meant his niece’s wedding. The traveling, the planning. It was very nice.

Now, as fall approaches, I find myself looking for work. Unexpectedly laid off, I’m not quite feeling ready for this. I’m saddened and shocked and I’m hoping I can find something fulfilling within a reasonable amount of time.