a life worth living

I’m not sure I like the idea of living my life for someone else, but if you ask me to tell you about someone who has made your life worth living for, I can do that. D has really enhanced my life.  He makes me happy, he supports me when I’m not; he encourages me and cheers me on; he knows when to hold my hand and when to pull my hair.

I was lost before our friendship. I felt that nobody really understood me, no one accepted me the way I am. He does.

That alone makes life living for.

I hope

I hope to leave a mark. I hope that someone’s life is more important because I was in it. I hope to have my influence reflected in someone’s actions. Since I won’t have children, I can’t think I will see myself in someone. However, I would like to think I’ve affected enough people that maybe one of them makes a huge difference in the world. It’s like a chain reaction, when I do something kind for someone, they do something in turn for someone else.

There are plenty of other things I hope to do in my life. I am working on creating my mighty life list but these aren’t things I’m waiting on, I want to cherish each day. I’ve tried to live like this, and I want to remind myself that I need to. Like Miss Britt said in her day 5 post “Most of the things that are important enough to be hoped for are too important to put off for another day”

So, a peek into my mighty life list (still to be finished)

host a sit-down dinner party / visit Europe / learn how to swim / go on a cruise / visit the states I haven’t been to, so I can hit all 50 / take D to Mardi Gras / see a show on broadway / sing with an orchestra again / have a boudoir portrait done / host a masquerade or themed costume party …

Give forgiveness

I forgive my sister for all the hurtful things she’s said out of anger

I forgive my dad, and my brother, for their bad habits

I forgive my ex for not being the husband I needed

I forgive my past friends for leaving

I forgive those who hurt me intentionally, or otherwise, because I know I’m better off not hanging on to that hurt.

self forgiveness

It’s harder to forgive yourself. To pardon the very party you may believe most to blame.

Sometimes I want to forgive myself for not being perfect. But, it’s unreasonable to think I can be perfect in the first place, so I let that one go. I have things I regret, certainly, but most I have already forgiven myself for, and blamed on youth, naivety, and stupidity.

So, I have to really think about something to forgive yourself for. I won’t say a number of things that people might expect. Finally, I’ve come to the realization that not everything is my fault.

I have had to forgive myself for leaving the way I did. I needed to forgive myself for making bad decisions that led to bad consequences. Thankfully, things worked out, but I got hurt and hurt others in this process and I needed to make peace that what happened, happened.

Love me

I was trying to think of something I love about myself. I love the way I love.

I love that I put my whole heart into it; loving the people I love. I give myself, I make them feel loved, appreciated, cared for. My family members never wonder how I feel or if I care. The friends I have, they know I think of them often, know I’m here for them, no matter what. The man I love, he knows my heart is entwined with his, he knows the things I do for him and with him are out of love. He feels my love when I kiss him goodbye, when I greet him hello. He experiences it with the little and the big gestures. He feels my love every day, I hope.

Fearless

I could name you a number of physical attributes or emotional characteristics I hate about myself. We all have things we would like to change. I could mention that I hate that I’m short, that I hate the number on the scale, that I hate that my left eye is squinty in bright lights. I could tell you I hate that I sometimes snort when I laugh, that I have a tendency to overreact.

But, the thing that really bothers me is that I’m not fearless.

I hate that I am scared easily. Spiders, parking garages, rollercoasters all make me nauseous. My heart starts pounding and I feel my body shift into panic mode. I have taken great risks in my life, but I am still not fearless. I’m frightened of being a failure. I’m scared that I will have a recurrence and have to go through chemo again. I’m frightened of losing my parents, my siblings. I’m scared of disappointing the man who means so much to me.

I try to face my fears and challenge myself, a little at a time. I no longer completely avoid underground parking. I no longer feel the need to automatically run if a man walks towards me in a dark place, only if and when I feel threatened. I try to look when there’s some hairy eight legged thing on TV, and I did ride some amusement park rides last year.

Maybe someday I’ll feel fearless. Until then, I will try to accept it.

random remarks

Been a while since I did one of these

– Halloween costumes are always complicated. I’m still the little kid that changes her mind every time she thinks of a “new” idea.

– A bad moment as we lay in bed, going to sleep. Affected my dreams all night. Yes, I regret it, it was a horrible time in my life, one from which you were the only solace.  I hated myself and needed an escape. I was being self destructive and thought I was sparing you. By keeping what we had sacred, I was choosing you. It was a long time ago. It was before. I thought we were past it too, I’m sorry once again.

– The costumes are planned, but the party could be a little nerve wracking.

– Still no good bites on the job hunt. Maybe it’s time to step things up a notch.

– Found another spider today. Grr.

– I’m trying to clean up, we’re having his brother and his brother’s girlfriend for dinner Sunday. Only have had a handful of guests since I got here, so I’m anxious. Hoping it goes well, I know he wishes they were closer like they used to be.

– I don’t know what I want for my birthday or what I want to do. I better start thinking.

– I will probably have to spend Thanksgiving alone. D works and everyone I can think of inviting most likely has other / family plans. This makes me pout, especially considering I haven’t really made a decision towards the holidays. I’m leaning towards a January trip, which can serve as post holiday Christmas and birthday celebration for both my parents.

– My head hurts.