Last page

It’s the last page in the chapter titled 2010. I have mixed feelings about the year, but I’m looking forward to the next one. I am hoping for more and better. It may be an unrealistic hope, but it is a sincere one.

I hope we are able to visit my family. I hope we can go on the cruise we’ve been talking about. I hope we can be more active and healthy, together. I hope to find a way to make an income that challenges me. I want to learn something new and perfect the things I already know. I want to take more/better pictures. I want to entertain more.

I want to laugh more. I want to hear him laugh more. I want us to grow, together, and enjoy the time we spend together.

I hope you have a very happy new year, and that 2011 holds hope and promise for you!

That partridge in the pear tree

My true love gives me more than these things, for which I’m grateful, because I don’t really care for birds too much.

I wish the same passion, love, generosity and kindness for you.

I hope your Christmas is filled with family, fun, food, friends and festivities.

Merry Christmas!

Four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves

I was feeling festive. My red dress ready to wear tonight.

Last night I found out that my package of gifts, which UPS says it delivered, isn’t at my parents house. I’m so upset and disappointed. I worked so hard to find a way to send presents, and now they’re missing. I’m hoping it can be straightened out, but I’m thinking it probably won’t happen today.

I know they’re just things, but I scrimped and scraped to make those things happen. I did have some help from D, but if those presents are gone, that’s my money down the drain.

I’m gonna focus on the good things. Like the fact that I got him his first stocking. Like the fact that it’s our first Christmas together in the same place. Like the webcam tomorrow morning.

I’m trying not to stress, or be homesick, or be upset.

But, what’s holiday time without those things right?

swans that swim, geese who lay, five rings of gold

I’m feeling more prepared. There’s a few more lights around the house, and the packages have been sent east. I have tracking numbers and I’m stalking the mailman and the UPS guy for the ones due here still.

We brought toys to a gathering last night for Toys for Tots and today is a day to clean up and get things straightened out before the end of the week craziness. My brother-in-law is armed with a laptop and webcam for Christmas morning, and I’m excited about that.

I have a lot of reasons to smile. I feel very lucky. While I know this Christmas there are people hungry, homeless and worse, I know I am safe, warm, loved. I feel a deep sense of genuine gratitude. Gratitude for the home I have, the family I have (though they’re far away) and the relationship I have with this man who went from friend to lover.

This is our first real Christmas together, where we’re in the same place at the same time. No long distance calls about how we wish we were together by the tree. This time, we get to wake up together Christmas day, and spend the holiday together.

maids who milk

I think I’m getting sick. I’m whiny today, and snuggling on the couch with some tea and a blanket. I’m hoping for some quality time with D tonight to make it all better.

I want to do so much in the next week; go see lights, shop for stocking stuffers, bake cookies, listen to a Christmas concert. I should be out right now finishing getting boxes to wrap in and such, but I don’t feel like being out in the snow.

Right now, I’m watching the Gift of the Magi, and I’m trying not to cry. I can’t give him the big thing he’d want. I sold everything before, when I was trying to make ends meet. I can give him my love, my affection and some good food. I can give him kindness, and a shoulder to cry on and I can listen. I try to be good, and I hope that is enough at Christmas.

dancing ladies

Reading Jenny’s posts about her project makes me want to dance around.

Answering the door to get that one last thing I was waiting on before I could send the package to NY makes me want to dance around.

So does baking cookies, and seeing my tree and wrapping gifts in brown kraft paper.

I wasn’t feeling festive last week, but I am now. I’m full of the Christmas spirit and it makes me tickled to see that the world is not cold, heartless and hopeless.

P.S. There’s still time to enter to win The Beauty of Different book – see the previous post!

The lords aren’t leaping

Money is tight, and I’m lucky to have someone to help me so that I’m not homeless and hungry this December. Living on employment alone is tough. But this doesn’t stop me from wanting to give, whether it’s the little bit of change in my pockets or the baked goods for the people D works with.

I can’t give to everyone who needs it, though I wish I could. There are no kids in this house, so I’m thankful because I don’t have to wonder about how I would make Christmas happen. I know so many are out there, people who can barely feed their kids and they have no gifts for them this year. I used an old gift card that was sitting around to buy a little bit of stuff to go into the toys for tots bin.  I have a package of diapers to go to the food bank, because I know food stamps don’t buy the necessities sometimes. You can buy pop and crappy junk food, but not toilet paper and diapers.

Anyway, the point of this post is not to brag. It’s to remind you, like I had to remind myself, that there is something you can do. For more than ten years, my family ran and organized an angel program where we got dinner, gifts and clothes to more than 150 families. I miss doing this, but I know in my own little way, I can do what I can.