December chaos

My life this time of year is no where year as crazy as some.

A living room remodel isn’t that stressful. I think I’m just making it so. Once again, I’ve given myself this situation where I’m limiting my time. People are invited over Saturday night. People I used to work with, his coworkers and some friends. I don’t know that anyone is even coming, no one has RSVP’d like I asked them to. Right now we have no carpet in the living room. Hopefully we have some before Saturday, but it’s pretty unlikely. We have no furniture. We finally have curtains because we looked all over to find something we could agree on. Finding something within our budget that we both like is difficult.

I have no decorations up. That makes me sad. I love this time of year, but I find myself restraining myself. I’m not going home, and it’s the first year I’ll miss Christmas with my family. I try not to mention this too much because D feels guilty. He doesn’t need to, but I can’t reassure him. I am looking forward to spending Christmas with him, the first time we’ll spend the holiday together, but he’s not very into Christmas. He’s not quite a grinch, but could probably live without stockings and lights, cookies and trees, carols and traditions. I will probably decorate once we’re done with the LR. Or somewhat for the party, even if no one shows.

If no one comes, I will throw myself on my bed and cry, just like I did on the day of my 15th birthday party.

We’ve discussed a puppy. We both want a dog, but he wants it more. I haven’t felt like I was ready, I have only been able to think about the issues that worry me about bringing one home. I think it will happen in the spring, but there’s a part of me that is frightened. I’ve lost all my pets, and it feels like this would be setting up the next heartbreak.

I want to send presents to my family, but I can’t afford to. D wants to help, but I feel bad. I want them to know that I’ll miss them and that I love them and think about them often. I want to send a webcam and be a part of Christmas morning, but I’m not sure it will all work out.

I want to be cooking, baking, crafting, decorating, shopping, singing, wrapping, sipping cocoa. Until then, I’m hanging in there.

talk to me

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