Pups

I want a dog.

I grew up with a cat, and my grandmother’s little dog (who was about the size of the cat). When I was married, we always had a dog, for obvious reasons. Labs, first a yellow, then a black one. We had two cats too.

I do love the companionship, the furry love they bring. I understand why people want pets. I’m just having a hard time moving forward with it.

I’ve lost a lot in my life. Thankfully not too many people, but things I was attached to. I have lost friends. I have lost a house, a car, and a business, partially through my doing, somewhat forced to. I lost my pets, two because we lost the house, one to retirement and the other because he stayed with the ex. I’ve lost people I thought would always be in my life. I’ve lost babies, multiple babies. I’ve lost the ability to reproduce.

You get over the losses.

But, all I can see when I think about getting a puppy/dog is the loss.

Loss of freedom and the ability to just think of myself, to get up and go. Loss of it being just the two of us.Sure, that’s a concern. That’s not what stops me though. It’s the crushing loss I fear.

When the puppy runs away, when the dog is hurt or diagnosed with some terrible disease. The loss that leaves a hole so big you don’t think you can ever recover. I’ve felt that loss before. That sucking wound that takes your breath away and leaves you unable to function.

I don’t think I can have a pet without knowing that loss is ahead of me. As the man says, they are a heartbreak waiting to happen.

Can I move past the idea of a future loss and focus on preparing for a dog and welcoming one into my life? I don’t know, but I want to try.

January

It’s been cold here, I think this is the first day above freezing since the year started.

Everyone got their presents and Skype cooperated so I got to be there Christmas morning, if only in spirit.

I’m getting frustrated by the job hunt and how badly it’s going. I’ve had some interviews, but sadly, none of those have turned into a position.

I am trying to look ahead, to when I have a good job, to maybe visiting my family and getting time away on a trip with D. I’m trying not to dwell on the negative right now, even though it’s a little hard.