I want a dog.

I grew up with a cat, and my grandmother’s little dog (who was about the size of the cat). When I was married, we always had a dog, for obvious reasons. Labs, first a yellow, then a black one. We had two cats too.

I do love the companionship, the furry love they bring. I understand why people want pets. I’m just having a hard time moving forward with it.

I’ve lost a lot in my life. Thankfully not too many people, but things I was attached to. I have lost friends. I have lost a house, a car, and a business, partially through my doing, somewhat forced to. I lost my pets, two because we lost the house, one to retirement and the other because he stayed with the ex. I’ve lost people I thought would always be in my life. I’ve lost babies, multiple babies. I’ve lost the ability to reproduce.

You get over the losses.

But, all I can see when I think about getting a puppy/dog is the loss.

Loss of freedom and the ability to just think of myself, to get up and go. Loss of it being just the two of us.Sure, that’s a concern. That’s not what stops me though. It’s the crushing loss I fear.

When the puppy runs away, when the dog is hurt or diagnosed with some terrible disease. The loss that leaves a hole so big you don’t think you can ever recover. I’ve felt that loss before. That sucking wound that takes your breath away and leaves you unable to function.

I don’t think I can have a pet without knowing that loss is ahead of me. As the man says, they are a heartbreak waiting to happen.

Can I move past the idea of a future loss and focus on preparing for a dog and welcoming one into my life? I don’t know, but I want to try.

talk to me

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