The day starts early in the dark and I seem to wander from one room to another.
I feel a bit lost; like nothing I do really matters or makes a difference. Depression can creep in when you have too much time to think. When you have too much time to yourself, with your own thoughts.
There are people I try to stay in touch with who can’t be bothered to reply to texts or emails. At some point, I realize I have to let go. If they don’t want to continue the friendship, I can’t force it. I can’t make it happen anymore than I can make someone hire me. Interview after interview go well, but when I follow up, I find they went with someone else.
I miss my family and I think that contributes as well. It’s easy on the days D works for me to sink deeper. I try to keep busy, but I dwell on the negatives and no amount of fresh air, job hunting, baking or anything else seems to change that.
I step back to reevaluate things. I change my approach, backing off the things I feel dependent on. Fake socialization like facebook and twitter make me feel like I’m surrounded by people when I really feel the most alone. That can be dangerous, lulling me into a false sense of security.
I think I need to plan a small something with my tax return. Maybe just a night away where we can talk and eat and be naughty and not deal with the rest of the world for a while.