floundering

The day starts early in the dark and I seem to wander from one room to another.

I feel a bit lost; like nothing I do really matters or makes a difference. Depression can creep in when you have too much time to think. When you have too much time to yourself, with your own thoughts.

There are people I try to stay in touch with who can’t be bothered to reply to texts or emails. At some point, I realize I have to let go. If they don’t want to continue the friendship, I can’t force it. I can’t make it happen anymore than I can make someone hire me. Interview after interview go well, but when I follow up, I find they went with someone else.

I miss my family and I think that contributes as well. It’s easy on the days D works for me to sink deeper. I try to keep busy, but I dwell on the negatives and no amount of fresh air, job hunting, baking or anything else seems to change that.

I step back to reevaluate things. I change my approach, backing off the things I feel dependent on. Fake socialization like facebook and twitter make me feel like I’m surrounded by people when I really feel the most alone. That can be dangerous, lulling me into a false sense of security.

I think I need to plan a small something with my tax return. Maybe just a night away where we can talk and eat and be naughty and not deal with the rest of the world for a while.

One thought on “floundering

  1. I’ve been following your blog for awhile and enjoy your very real commentary. I too have been out of work for awhile and I know the struggle of finances and emotions and your heart just wanting to do something that you love. Hang in there. This season won’t last forever. Things will get better and something will open up. You are not alone!!

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