I’m not a huge fan of the show, but I started watching again this season, and being the musical junkie that I am, I knew I wanted to record this episode.
I saw on Twitter that so many people were hating on Meredith’s character for turning a crisis into something about her, but you know what, THIS part of the storyline is right on.
Shortly after I started trying with my ex, when we knew we’d have trouble but hadn’t yet realized how difficult trying to conceive would be, I went through some of the very same emotions. My cousin’s wife was pregnant with an “oops” (their words, not mine) and it was their third. At the 20 week ultrasound, they discovered the baby had spina bifida. My cousin’s wife was flown to a bigger city nearby and stayed in the hospital for the remainder of her pregnancy. She had to endure in utero surgery for her baby girl. After her daughter was born, they spent the first months/year dealing with medical problems.
I blamed myself for being jealous. I resented myself for being relieved that it wasn’t me when I heard the baby’s diagnosis. I was consumed with trying to be a mother, and while I was sympathetic to what she was going through, it was hard to see beyond my own anguish.
I still have a hard time with jealousy and feelings of envy. I can’t laugh when people make jokes about not having to try or how just being close to their husband gets them pregnant. I guess, all these years later, I’m still a little sensitive. Sometimes, I wonder if I would still be sensitive if I had gone on to become a mother. I don’t honestly know, but I believe that those feelings are not that easily forgotten.
I still struggle. Not with my decision to not pursue motherhood or to be childless, but with the leftover feelings. The would have been due dates, the reality that I can’t experience something so many women go through, that some view me as less because I didn’t reproduce. The grief remains when the scars, the embryos and the desire are gone.
I still cry at infertility storylines. Hearing about adoptions gone wrong or women who go in for a sonogram to hear no heartbeat make my breath catch. Just when I think I’m recovered from all these feelings, they resurface.