takebacks and wrapup

Would I take my infertility back?

I’ve given this a lot of thought. I’ve often said that I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Yet, I wouldn’t wish it away for myself. I have learned so much about myself throughout the process and since.

  • Without daily injections as a part of IVF, I would still be afraid of needles.
  • Without my the constant ultrasounds as part of treatment, I would never have discovered my cancer.
  • Without a failed adoption, I would have no concept of how difficult the whole process is. I wouldn’t have the respect I have for both biological and adoptive parents.
  • I have an appreciation for my mother I wouldn’t have had otherwise. For her adoption story, as a child; for her parents, fighting to adopt her in their 40’s (unheard of in the 1950’s)
  • I learned I am still a woman even if I never have children.
  • I realized marriage, friendships and relationships in general, are fragile, and sometimes they don’t last.

I think the things infertility gave me aren’t things I would trade, even for a child. I know how this sounds, it seems foreign to type those words. It’s just that the ability to parent isn’t the end all and be all. I would have traded anything for a baby. ANYTHING. It didn’t happen, and I wonder now where I’d be with a child.

  • Would I be sick or worse if they hadn’t caught my cancer when they did?
  • Would I still be married?
  • Would I feel burdened by raising a child alone?
  • Would I still be in NY?

I am in a good place now. I’m closer with my family. I have a partner who is truly a partner, who treats me well and loves me dearly. I have made some new friends. I wake up most mornings happy, and I wouldn’t trade that, because there’s not a guarantee that a child would make me happy.

—————————————————————

Maybe spending this last week involved in NIAW wasn’t the wisest idea. I seem to have awoken old feelings, ones that aren’t so easily suppressed. Feelings I can’t seem to get a hold on at the moment. I think this is one of those issues that isn’t so neatly packaged. You can pack away old sadness and put it in the closet, but sometimes, like soccer balls, umbrellas and overstuffed coats, it all comes tumbling out. You find yourself laying down in the heap, unable to get up from underneath all the stuff. The sadness, the failure, the confusion, the hurt.

It reminds me of the grief you deal with after you get your heart broken. You look at the old pictures, listen to the sad songs, relive the memories and wonder about the might have beens. This is no different. I think back on what my life was like before. Before infertility and miscarriages and cancer and divorce. I was a different person then. I was innocent and sometimes insensitive. I was hopeful and positive and confident. I have lost some of these things. Some replaced with better qualities, some with less.

Life is transient, we grow and change, we can’t control most of it, only how we react to it. I know I’ll have days that are just too sad. I plan escapes on days I know are just too hard to bear. I look forward to the moment I get to become an aunt. I hope there comes a day when I can hold a baby with nothing but joy and peace.

I wish you all the same, whether that baby is yours or not. May we all find joy and peace.

5 thoughts on “takebacks and wrapup

  1. I loved this post at first for the list of all the things you got out of infertility, things you could have lived your life without, but are silver linings nonetheless. But what really grabbed my heart was the final part. I’m glad you spent the time writing NIAW stuff, even if it was painful and old feelings were awoken.

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  2. I love your list. I haven’t thought about infertility that way, as an experience that gives you something back.

    I would like to add to your list:

    without infertility going to the crotch doc would still be a trial, now it is a walk in the park.

    without infertility I would not be as savvy as I am about the medical establishment. I now have the strength to question doctors and stand up to insurance companies.

    without infertility I wouldn’t have the blogosphere, or the friends that I have found there. All the great, wonderful voices I would have missed….including this blog 🙂

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  3. Here from the Round-up. What a great post! I have often wondered the same thing myself. I’ve had a rough 2 years of trying (with no successes at all) but the process has made me grow closer to my husband and has allowed new friendships to blossom. I’ve also become closer to my mother-in-law who has been a wonderful source of comfort and support. Unfortunately, my own mother has not been very supportive nor has been willing to listen, but I’ve even made peace with that and found other outlets and people to vent to.

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  4. Very thought provoking post. I agree that I have learned a lot from infertility. I’m a so different now than I was before 4 miscarriages, and six years of trying. It makes me a different (I hope better) parent to my DD. I don’t know if I would take it back. Sometimes I long for that naive young woman who threw out the birth control with a laugh and a hopeful wink at her husband. I am more jaded, but also more confidant in my strengths. Since I can’t take it back, I’ll appreciate what I learned.

    Thanks for sharing.

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