dreaded holiday

Mothers Day has been tough for me over the years. Last year, I got to see my mom, and spend the day with D at Niagara Falls, and while it was a good day, the sadness was still on the back burner.

Sunday, I won’t see my mom. I am hoping to just have a pleasant day, not thinking about what the day means at all. What I have been thinking about is the past few years, and how weird and painful this day has been.

While looking back, I’m reminded of the fact that 6 years ago, I spent the day praying that would be my last childless Mothers Day.

From a post on Mothers Day 2005: “It’s after midnight. I’ve made it through another Mothers day. There was no tantrum, no sobbing, no anger or tears for anyone to see. It was a pretty subdued day. I have to spend the next ten days trying with everything inside of me to make this work. I want to be able to look back years from now and know I did everything I possibly could.”

While the day is still bittersweet for me, I’m glad that I no longer deal with all the stress and anguish of infertility treatments.

Sunday, I’ll keep my mother in my thoughts.

Sunday, I’ll think of those who want to be mothers, but aren’t. I’ll think of those whose mothers are no longer here to celebrate. I’ll hope that they find a way to get through the day, and maybe even smile. Smile for what once was, or what one day will be.

2 thoughts on “dreaded holiday

  1. It is mostly bitter for me. I have a fractured relationship with my own mother, and too many years of being childless.

    Just today, a client said “I should wish you a Happy Mother’s Day – you do have kids right?” Awk-ward silence from me, then a “No, no kids.” I hate when things like that come out of the blue…

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