Commentary

Leaving comments was once something I prided myself on. Like so many other things, it’s fallen by the wayside.

But, I decided for the first time in a long time to participate again in IComLeavWe.

I don’t know how to catch those from that campaign up on my blog. I was once an infertility blogger, chronicling my saga of injections, inseminations and invitro. That was a LONG time ago. I went through infertility treatments but never had a child. I suffered a number of miscarriages and cycle failures before my cancer was diagnosed. That stopped medical intervention. We then pursued adoption, but after getting close, we suffered another disappointment. Lots of events happened after that. My ex and I moved, then divorced. I moved again, and again, trying to start a new life.

I now live with my boyfriend, my best friend, and I’ve decided it’s OK to be childless. I still struggle with the feelings left behind, the grief, the loss, the guilt and resentment. I blog about those, and everyday life. I’m blunt and crass and sometimes whiny, but I’m always me. I’d love to hear anything you have to say, whether it’s in a comment or an email or a tweet.

he struggles

He thinks he’s going nowhere, saying he has no drive, no passion, no ambition.

I don’t believe it, but he does. He thinks he’s a nobody, that he doesn’t matter, that he’s letting me down. This is far from the truth, but he struggles. He doesn’t know how to change, but he seems to want to. I don’t know how to help.

I often wish I could hold the mirror up. The one where he could see himself as I see him. Strong, brave, funny, tender, kind, handsome. He can’t see any of it, and it breaks my heart. I wonder if he just hasn’t found the thing to inspire him. Maybe he has no passions, is that such a bad thing? He’s passionate with me and towards me and I think that counts.

I don’t know how to help him find this elusive thing he seems to be wanting, missing. I only know he helped me find myself, and so I’m grateful and eager to return the favor.

surprises and disappointments

It was nice to see my father so surprised. All his family around and plenty of people he’s worked or volunteered with there to applaud his hard work. He didn’t know about this lifetime achievement award, he had no idea his family was coming to dinner, and no clue I was in town. I was glad we pulled it off.

I was disappointed by the trip though, in some ways.

The more time away, the harder it is to go home. The visits aren’t awkward, but stressful, trying to pack everything in. I find myself bothered by my family’s bad habits, housekeeping and such. I don’t want to do some of the things they want me to do and want to do other things they aren’t up for.

I spent the weekend running around, errands and doctors appointments accompanied my quality time.  I try to be patient, realizing their lives can’t stop just because I’m in town. Still, I want more out of my time with them than I’m getting.

I wish they would come here to visit, though I’m sure that’s not happening anytime soon. I would like to perhaps go home more often so that these trips aren’t so chaotic. Or, that the chaos is just normal, because I’m used to it.

We want people to stay the same, and change, but both in positive ways. When their lives seem stagnant and somehow even more crazy than I remember, I try to ask myself is it they who have changed, or me? Am I just less tolerant of the enabling, the narcissism, the negativity?

I can’t fix them, and I know I have a tendency to want to. I can no longer be surprised by their actions and behaviors, I just wish I weren’t so disappointed.

routine

It’s always hard to adjust to a new schedule. Different hours, a change in bedtime and responsibility.

I don’t think I have been able to convert successfully just yet. I have a hard time working on the days he has off. No slow wake up, just bounce out of bed and get ready. This is not conducive to a good day.

So my days are still full of change. I am getting used to it. I think the worst part isn’t the job, or the early mornings. It’s having to deal with prime time traffic again. Especially in Utah, the drivers freak me out with their craziness.

I think it will take a bit, especially with me being off for half a week for my visit home. I’m just looking forward to the routine being routine.

bullies and cliques

I’m not someone who gets involved in drama if I can help it. I try not to gossip, and while I’m not always good at it, I try not to worry what everyone thinks of me.

However these things get started, I try my best to stay out of them. Then I find out they involve me.  A friend, and former coworker took me to lunch and informed me of some goings on that I should be aware of. She let me know I may want to remove some ladies as “friends” on Facebook.

I am NOT a Facebook person. I only joined out of guilt to stay in touch with siblings, cousins and such back home. I have about 20 friends total, most of whom I’m related to. When I was unexpectedly laid off, I had a few of my coworkers request to be friends on there. I declined those I no longer cared to speak with, and approved a couple.

I know Facebook can be a dangerous place. For bullying, for stalking, for catching indiscretions and taking wistful glances at first loves. It seemed innocent enough, I don’t post much, I don’t put up pics of me doing anything inappropriate. However, it seems these “friends” decided to approach me on Facebook simply for ammunition. They used my occasional posts and pictures as fodder for jokes, commenting on my relationship, my activities, my appearance, my home, my weight.

They didn’t say anything to me. They never commented on things, they never really responded to anything I said. I assumed they were busy. However, these were women I trusted, that I did consider friends, that I thought loved me in that way we love our friends like family.

I was wrong. It hurts. I feel betrayed. I’m mad at the friend for telling me, because I wonder why she had to share this with me, knowing I wouldn’t know otherwise. I don’t make friends easily, I don’t trust many people and I don’t like letting people in.

As a teen, I was bullied, I didn’t fit in. I didn’t even have that ONE friend that so many of the kids on the fringe have. I had people I sat with at lunch, but they found excuses for not coming to my birthday party, even though I went to all of theirs, spending my babysitting money on gifts I had really thought about. I gave up on the idea of real friends when some of mine disappeared as they had children and I didn’t; as my cancer progressed, as I got divorced.

Slowly, I’ve tried. D was my best friend before anything else. I have another friend I met that I have spent time with and I’m almost there with her. I just have a really hard time. This doesn’t make it easier.

plugging the leaks

I have my moments. The period of time from National Infertility Awareness week through Mother’s day was tough. I rebounded a bit, and didn’t cry again until I realized that I missed a “once was” due date. A day later, it dawned on me, and I didn’t know if I was upset due to grief or guilt.

Today, my sister sent a text to alert me to a family pregnancy announcement. I tried to respond in a positive manner. I saw the post this evening on Facebook, but I haven’t replied. I still don’t know how to handle these things.

I’m getting better. I hosted a baby shower last year for a girl at work. I visited with her and her baby. In total, 5 girls I worked with had babies last year, and I handled the pregnancies, showers, baby visits, etc. pretty well. I am planning on making dinner for a woman I know who had a baby last week.

I no longer need to protect and insulate myself from this, but I still find myself floundering at times. I feel like any positive reaction seems artificial if they know my background. I worry that my silence conveys more negativity than I wish to put out there. I hope that they’re too busy planning, expecting, and adjusting to miss me. I ache to celebrate for them, to hold that baby, to buy and send that gift, but at the same time, I ache because of it.

So the pain escapes a bit, but I plug the leaks for now, and keep plugging away.