Lately, I’ve been really hard on myself. I used to be busting with confidence and self-love (and no, not just the kind that involves mechanical help) and I used to talk about how you should embrace your inadequacies, your imperfections, that they made you who you are.
There is this voice in my head shouting “bullshit”.
This voice sounds like a little girl. I’ve never quite determined if she’s the younger version of me or some amalgam of girls who teased me back in the day. She tells me all the things wrong with me.
I decided I need to shut her up. Maybe not once and for all, maybe I can’t make that kind of impact right now. But, I can kick her in the teeth a bit and hope she’s quiet for a while. It occurred to me that if I take the time to list all the flaws, all the things I think are wrong with me, then they have no power; or at least, no voice.
So, in no particular order:
- I am loud
- I am fat
- I struggle with my compulsions
- I am short
- I have a lumpy scalp and awful dry skin (thanks Utah!)
- I am klutzy
- I am too bossy, too assertive
- I have gray hairs; and a wavy curly texture that only looks bedhead-ish sometimes, and otherwise looks sloppy
- I am great at starting projects and not so great at following through
- I am emotional
- My teeth are not white enough for working in the dental field
- Sometimes I snort when I laugh
- I spend too much money on lingerie and paper
- I can be a heartless bitch
- I freak out about getting sick again
- I get sad around babies and all the activities that surround them
- I am not as accomplished as I would like to be
- I drink too much coffee
- I crack my knuckles and pull at my cuticles
- I steal the covers and thrash a bit when I sleep
- I cannot drive without singing
- I am a slow driver, 5 above the limit is often my limit
- I am stubborn
- I’m a people pleaser
- I’m a smartass
- I’m a ball of anxiety at times
- I don’t let people in
This may not be up for long, surely won’t stay published forever. For the time being, I’ll hope getting it off my chest and out of my head helps.