evolution

I feel like I’ve been blogging forever. I started prior to being married; back then it was a totally different blog, but I was a totally different girl. In one version or another, I’ve been blogging for nine years.

This is my 500th post. But, it’s not. So many posts got deleted or privatized when I went anonymous and merged the blogs together. But I suppose, still, this is a milestone of sorts.

I have a harder time writing now. I’ve gone through phases over the last few years. I still want to write, but sometimes I don’t want it here. Having someone I can share the deep dark recesses of my mind with helps. I also find that I don’t post as much because I’m happier in general. I can directly watch the number of people reading go up and down as I go up and down. Maybe it’s that misery loves company. Maybe it’s that those reading in whatever sad situation (infertility, infidelity, cancer treatment, divorce) no longer feel the camaraderie we once had.

I could make guesses all night, but I’ll try not to. The blog has evolved, as have I. I sneak out from my cloak now, no longer as worried about outing myself. Today, I made it to two different events with two very different groups of ladies. Being that I’ve never had an easy time making friends with females, I’m a little proud of myself.

I may no longer be a prolific blogger. I may no longer be a lot of things, but some truths remain.

I will always struggle with feeling like I have a place. I will always think of myself as different. I will always be a survivor. I will always be me, and I will always, always, think of this blog as a blessing.

Who knows what I will write about. I’m sure the bitching, venting, ranting will continue. I will try to focus on the good when I can and I will put the things here I just can’t speak about anywhere else.

life, mighty, bucket

No matter what you call it, many of us have one.

I’ve seen it called a bucket list, or a life list. I’ve seen people talk about their mighty lists.

I’m still working on mine, it’s definitely a work in progress, and I would love to introduce you to the idea of getting it down, in writing.

This is my entry in the Just Ask Bucket List Getaway Giveaway. Just Ask offers a breast and ovarian cancer screening and is encouraging people to share 15 things that I want to enjoy in my lifetime as a reminder to be aware of my health. Want to enter? Head over to TodaysMama.com to get the details. 

1. Visit Europe

2. Be published (correction thanks to a friend, have MY life story published)

3. Take a cross-country road trip with D

4. Sing on stage again

5. Bake macarons all by myself.

6. Pose for a boudoir photo shoot

7. Go up in a hot air balloon

8. Bring my parents out to SLC for a visit

9. Have bangs

10. Go ice-skating

11. Take D back to Australia

12. Host a fancy-schmancy dinner party

13. Go on a cruise

14. Own a pair of Louboutin’s

15. Take portraits of each of the people I love dearly

to be continued…

Now, go over to the Just Ask site to learn more, and the original post to enter the giveaway!

family

I finally feel OK about his family’s events.

I don’t fit in with his family, but neither does he. They’re a little awkward and less than social, but I do what I can to engage them. I was nervous about the recent wedding and all the things that went along with it.

In the end, it was fine. No one made me feel excluded, in fact, the groom even made sure I was in the “family” photos. I laughed, danced, took photographs, made macarons, cut cake. I talked to everyone and made sure to dazzle them with my personality.

They may not be like mine, but they’re the only family he’s got, and he and I are a family, so I will continue to make an effort.