evolution

I feel like I’ve been blogging forever. I started prior to being married; back then it was a totally different blog, but I was a totally different girl. In one version or another, I’ve been blogging for nine years.

This is my 500th post. But, it’s not. So many posts got deleted or privatized when I went anonymous and merged the blogs together. But I suppose, still, this is a milestone of sorts.

I have a harder time writing now. I’ve gone through phases over the last few years. I still want to write, but sometimes I don’t want it here. Having someone I can share the deep dark recesses of my mind with helps. I also find that I don’t post as much because I’m happier in general. I can directly watch the number of people reading go up and down as I go up and down. Maybe it’s that misery loves company. Maybe it’s that those reading in whatever sad situation (infertility, infidelity, cancer treatment, divorce) no longer feel the camaraderie we once had.

I could make guesses all night, but I’ll try not to. The blog has evolved, as have I. I sneak out from my cloak now, no longer as worried about outing myself. Today, I made it to two different events with two very different groups of ladies. Being that I’ve never had an easy time making friends with females, I’m a little proud of myself.

I may no longer be a prolific blogger. I may no longer be a lot of things, but some truths remain.

I will always struggle with feeling like I have a place. I will always think of myself as different. I will always be a survivor. I will always be me, and I will always, always, think of this blog as a blessing.

Who knows what I will write about. I’m sure the bitching, venting, ranting will continue. I will try to focus on the good when I can and I will put the things here I just can’t speak about anywhere else.

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