holiday tears

Last night, as I lay in a sick, cold-medicine induced haze, tears slipped from my eyes. Holidays looming ahead stir up angst, and once I’m hidden from the world, in the dark, I can’t help but cry.

In the light of day, in the logical moments, I know that things have worked out well. I would not want to be doing the custody thing with kids, so it’s better that it never happened for me and my ex. I honestly don’t want to raise children anymore, I don’t feel I can do it. I’m mostly at peace with the way things turned out, but not totally. When we get to the time of year that revolves around family even more than usual, I feel the sadness set in.

I wonder who I do this for. There are no little smiling faces to look forward to at Christmas, no silly turkey crafts with tiny ones next week. The decorating, memory keeping, baking, caroling, and so on; who do I do it for?

I suppose on some level, I do it for me. Still, with only D here, and his family, it feels silly to do it for me. It really isn’t his thing and I feel melancholy that the stories stop with me. I have no one to share all the ornament histories with, no babies to take to Santa. There isn’t that humming excitement.

Everything seems to revolve around it. From midnight mass to decorating the tree to the holiday stories, and at times throughout November and December, it is just too hard to bear. I don’t have family here, and while I have some acquaintance type friends, I don’t know who I can let it out to.

Sometimes, I just want to sob over it. Get it all out, all the hurt and loss. Mourn the children that never came to be and the pregnancies that went the way of all things. To choke out that I’m a failure as a woman and I was as a mother and that I am responsible for those losses. I want this friend to listen, and hand me kleenex, and remind me that life sucks sometimes and that it isn’t fucking fair. I want them to convince me that I would have been a great mother and that somehow, someday I’ll get through this time of year without sneaking out into the snow to freeze the tears before they fall.

6 thoughts on “holiday tears

  1. Kate: what a totally heartfelt and truthful post. It takes a lot to share your true feelings with the world, I know. I have kids (5 of them, 1 miscarriage) and I didn’t have any Christmas last year. I didn;t even put a tree up because, well why bother? I couldn’t buy not one single gift. This year? Well, who knows.
    I’m disabled, so I don’t do much baking, crafting, caroling and so on.
    I guess what I’m trying to say is, you are where God wants you to be right now. You are not at the end of your path yet, just wait and see what wonderful things he has in store for you!
    I’d like to refer some readings to you (if you don’t mind)
    http://wp.me/p1QPQb-1w
    http://hubpages.com/t/29e452
    I hope they are inspirational to you! God Bless!

    Like

  2. This brought tears to my eyes – it really resonated with me. It’s hard particularly at this time of the year when I thought I would have a family of my own that I had created. Hopefully this will be my last year feeling like this but who knows? Maybe not.

    Cry as much as you want and need – it’s cathartic and freeing.

    x

    Like

  3. Hi from ICLW

    Life DOES suck sometimes, and it isn’t fair. And I’m not just saying that because you wanted to hear it, I’m saying it because its true.

    Hugs from a stranger

    Like

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