beginnings and endings

Tomorrow, I start a new adventure.

If you had asked me a number of years ago if I’d be running medical practices, I’d have laughed. I would have told you that there was no way that my career made that turn.

Tomorrow, I start at a new office. One that trusts in my business acumen, my expertise, my skills.

Still, I feel a little weird. Practice manager is a strange job, and one that comes with few perks, given the responsibilities and expectations it carries.

Starting over always makes me think of middle school. When the first lunch period comes and you wander in with your brown paper bag, wondering where to sit, whom to have lunch with. While I often feel confident, I still have those awkward moments where I wonder where I belong.

This week brings many questions. Will I get along with the new crew? Will I be able to extricate myself gracefully from the current office? Will I stay friendly with the girls I’ve come to care for? What challenges will the new office bring? I look forward to finding some of the answers.

This week also brings the end of the current craziness. I won’t sever ties, we are still working out the details of ending our relationship, but I won’t be back in the office. I’m sad, but relieved. I’ll miss the patients, the girls I work with, but I won’t miss the headaches and the demanding employer.

Lets just hope this week goes smoothly. If it doesn’t, there’s always the distraction of a visit home next week.

I still dream about you, years later. Funny how you were the love unrequited, the love untold.

Years later, you broke my heart by breaking my father’s heart. In a weird way, you made it a little easier to let some of the old feelings go.

Out of the blue, when I haven’t thought about you in forever, I wake up hearing your voice.

training patience

My father has a passion for education. He’s not a teacher, but he has been involved in everything from PTA to national school boards. He’s worked as a business liaison at a charter school and has spent so much of his time training volunteers to work with children.

I’m not blessed with his ability apparently. I’ve been trying to work with my replacement this week, showing her how to do things as well as handling the normal work load. I’m totally stressed out. I think I usually do things well under pressure, but this woman is getting to me. She’s saccharine sweet and gives me a weird feeling I can’t shake.

It’s making me feel less sure about the new position I’m taking. I’m concerned, but I don’t know where to go with my feelings. I’m excited about a new opportunity, but I’m feeling guilty about leaving my current staff in a bad position. I feel very torn, and wish I had more input before this person was hired. I think it would be an easier transition if the person taking over was competent.

I’m trying to take the time to show her everything, and teach her the ways of the office, but I’m peppered with irrelevant questions. When we do get to something important, the phone rings and while I’m anxious for her to get some experience with our patients, I’m less excited to see she’s taking another personal call.

Lord help him when I’m gone.

staying anonymous

I’ve had several people ask me lately why I prefer to stay anonymous.

I think to some degree I enjoy the ability to say whatever I want without the immediate worry that I’ll hurt someone close to me. I can vent about my family, my job, my relationship.

I’ve thought about being more transparent, about just letting the restrictions drop. Just using twitter under my real name, and perhaps closing the blog. Every time I get close to going through with it, I read about someone “outed” and I get nervous.

When I read about Riff and his situation, I immediately shivered, knowing at one time, I was just as at risk.  I had someone threaten me.

I’m not quite there yet, ready to shed the cloak.

still, sleepless in the bottom of the house

he lays asleep upstairs, warm, the familiar sound of his breathing filling the space at the head of the bed

I sit, quiet in the mostly dark room

praying that sleep flirts with me, takes me into its arms

still, I know when I climb back into that bed, and feel him beside me

that sleep will run down the hall, leaving me behind

bewildered