Lately I feel my brain full of so many questions.
I feel turned inside out by the little things, and the bigger, life altering questions.
I can’t handle all the questions.
I feel sad and overwhelmed. I need a break, or a vacation; a change, or perhaps some kind of medication. I don’t know. What I do know is that I can’t stay on this track too much longer. I believe something has to give.
I’ve tried to pursue some things I enjoy, to give myself an outlet that I’m severely lacking right now. I’m working on surrounding myself with people and things that make me happy, that give me something. I want to make myself a happy place. I want to learn new things or maybe discover a talent I didn’t know I had. I want to spend time with D, just us, connecting without work chat, phones, or any electronic screens.
I can’t escape or run away, so I need to at the very least, care for myself a little bit more right now.
There’s been a lot of sadness around these corners.
I lost my uncle / godfather last week, and unlike in November, I was not able to go home for the funeral. The more people I lose, the more I wonder why I live 2,000 miles away. I know why, but I don’t know how much longer I want to. I would never ask D to leave his hometown if he wasn’t OK with it, but I may have to start broaching the subject.
I am conflicted lately about life, my own mortality; Just as I think about my own, I think about my parents and D, and what that means for me as well.
With him being significantly older than me, I know there’s a possibility I’d be left behind. I wonder how other childless women feel. With no children, no parents, no partner, who would I spend my time with? I suppose we all have the possibility of ending up alone, but I wonder if it’s an inevitability for those of us who don’t procreate.
I don’t have very many friends, and they seem to come into and out of my life with no rhyme or reason. I have moved away from most of the people I love, and often alienate others because of my own anxiety, fear and depression.
I wonder how we avoid dying alone, but then, I suppose, the only way to guarantee that doesn’t happen, is to die before everyone else, leaving them with the loss.