dying

There’s been a lot of sadness around these corners.

I lost my uncle / godfather last week, and unlike in November, I was not able to go home for the funeral. The more people I lose, the more I wonder why I live 2,000 miles away. I know why, but I don’t know how much longer I want to. I would never ask D to leave his hometown if he wasn’t OK with it, but I may have to start broaching the subject.

I am conflicted lately about life, my own mortality; Just as I think about my own, I think about my parents and D, and what that means for me as well.

With him being significantly older than me, I know there’s a possibility I’d be left behind. I wonder how other childless women feel. With no children, no parents, no partner, who would I spend my time with? I suppose we all have the possibility of ending up alone, but I wonder if it’s an inevitability for those of us who don’t procreate.

I don’t have very many friends, and they seem to come into and out of my life with no rhyme or reason. I have moved away from most of the people I love, and often alienate others because of my own anxiety, fear and depression.

I wonder how we avoid dying alone, but then, I suppose, the only way to guarantee that doesn’t happen, is to die before everyone else, leaving them with the loss.

2 thoughts on “dying

  1. I live several states away from where I grew up and it is hard dealing with the fact that except for my husband, I am basically alone. I don’t make or keep friends easily, and the family I do have left I am not close to. I just lost my father last year, and that coupled with the fact that I’m growing older and no children (and the prospects of that happening have diminished significantly) has me pondering what happens to me and my husband when we hit old age. I’m probably going to go before him, and that makes me sad for him, but in a way it’s kind of a comfort since losing him and living on alone without him depresses me more than I care to consider.

    There is something to be said for leaving a child behind – someone that was a part of you to continue on once you’re gone. Someone that cares about you and would miss you when you’re gone. I don’t mean in a legacy type of thing, but knowing that once I’m gone – no on would really miss me or even remember me is also very sad to me. I guess it’s pure hubris, but can’t deny that it’s something I am sad about.

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