stream of consciousness

I read my words, and they’re all the same words; weeks of the same words. I pace and retread over the same steps as I try to figure out my plan. The percentages vary, for most days, I want to leave, while there’s a portion of me that thinks I should, and also wants to stay. 60/40; 80/20; 50/50. My indecisiveness at an all time high – both leaving and staying present issues. Sharing snippets with anonymous acquaintances, trying to gather together my own thoughts. Talking to my brother about some of it, trying to not be so isolated, but feeling that way anyhow.

If I stay, what if nothing changes, and this round and round continues for years? If he keeps expecting me to let him down, I may as well leave. What’s the point of forever proving and trying to redeem myself? Is there any potential for long-term contentment? More happiness? Does stasis present its own form of happiness when change is difficult? Can moments of shared history be enough? Maybe I’m not capable of more. Maybe he’s not.

If I leave? Hurting him is painful, but an end gives you something to grieve and move on from. Since he’s still hurt from things I’ve done at the beginning of our relationship, I can’t imagine him every getting past any of it. I’ve put myself in a position where leaving is more frightening than usual because of finances and jobs and location. Still, it’s the only way to know if I have potential for more, better, different.

We opened our relationship, and that aspect alone makes me wonder if there’s a way to repair damage and go forward. I probably have to lose everything.

I’ve been asked several times why I’m staying, and none of my answers sound good enough. But, they’re practical and logistical. Then there’s the fact that he’s not always here. I can’t leave without some planning. It feels wrong to tell him in a text or a call while he’s out. Planning to make an exit without telling him feels deceitful, but how long could I stay once I announce I’m going?

He says we can fix things, that there is some resolution, but when I ask him what, he says he needs me to help figure that out, that I have input as much as he does. Except, I don’t have that faith. I’m not sure I believe there’s something I can do, or say, or continue to do to make things better. So, I try, I talk, but I cry and get upset and then he feels that he can’t communicate with me when I’m emotional. Which is funny, because before, I wasn’t less emotional, or sensitive, I just didn’t let it out as often, because we didn’t do that.

I love him, very much. I am just learning that our life together isn’t what I thought it was. So, I wonder if I stay because working it out means I didn’t just waste the last several years with someone who resented me as much as he loved me.

Is he capable? His upbringing is so different from mine. He feels like he’s never been anyone’s first choice. He doesn’t understand love the same way I do. Finally getting him into therapy again after years of pushing, but we don’t go together, which was probably a mistake. I can’t mend all that damage. We’ve both changed so much since the beginning, more so in the last year.

Why can’t I just make a decision and pull the trigger? Why do I still feel I owe him more trying, after what feels like years of trying?

He bombarded me the other day. Asking me why things are so unfair; saying there needs to be more equality in our relationship. Is it ever equal and fair? Life isn’t. I’m younger and female, he’s older and male. We each have our advantages and disadvantages. He believes I expect more out of him than he does of me, but I think for years, he felt lucky to have me, and didn’t ask as much of me in some ways. People sometimes take their partner for granted. We both did it. I guess he thinks I didn’t make concessions and accommodations, but it doesn’t seem like a good idea to bring them all up now. Some are long forgotten, though he hasn’t forgotten any of his grudges.

I feel like I still need to sort through so many things in my head. The more I try to talk to him, the more I need to think. Do I want to move out here? Why would I stay here? I stayed here for him. My job is fine, but not enough to stay here for, and signing a lease is more than I would want to commit to in Utah. Going home seems a scary endeavor, as jobs there are harder to come by and I worry that I’ll just end up with my parents too dependent on me, having me there as a solo single person. My brother has offered for me to stay with him for a little while, but I don’t know if I want that either. Do I go elsewhere and start over like I did before?

Deciding what I want to do, where I want to go and what I really want out of life and relationships, that is the hardest part of all of this.